In honor of Dooley’s Week, the Wheel decided to sit down with our greatest rival (or so they like to think), The Emory Spoke, for a brief interview. We were able to put our differences aside long enough to allow the Spoke, Emory’s satirical news source, to answer a few of our questions about some of the University’s most pressing issues.

 

Why should students read the Spoke?

They obviously shouldn’t. The Spoke is a terminally silly organization filled with no-good rascals that inject unwanted humor into the Emory community.

Its seditious fake editorials are downright dastardly. Its articles are insane and distorted, indicating that their writers spend way too much time on 4Chan. Its website is nothing but a den for good-for-nothings who fritter away countless minutes of their time that could better be spent serving the Emory community. Not to mention that their costumes are beyond tacky – easily far worse than the Wheel‘s.

As a cesspit filled with the blackest senses of humor on the seven seas, we are asking you not to read our content. Even limited exposure to our articles can cause readers to become dangerously radical, like those Emory Cuts guys.

 

Why should students read the Wheel?

For the same reason that they should read stop signs. It won’t make them any smarter, but we wouldn’t want them to be uninformed.

 

Spoke is to … as Wheel is to … ?

Mike Tyson, ear.

 

Do you think that the Wheel edits submissions unfairly?

Absolutely. If we were to express a controversial opinion during this interview, such as “********************************************* blaspheming ************************* vibrating ring ******************************************************* plot of every Adam Sandler movie *************************************** will inherit the earth,” you guys would probably censor the **** out of us.

 

Who does the Spoke endorse for the SGA Presidential Election?

On principle, we endorse Martin Krafft (Emory Class of 2012) for every position that he could possibly fill.

However, if he’s not on the ballot, then we will support candidates who do not list “abolish the Spoke” as a major pillar of their campaign. In the case that we must decide between candidates at this point, we at the Spoke will default to the most Jewish-sounding name.

 

Favorite Emory sports team?

The Spoke has always been a proud supporter of every sport at Emory for two simple reasons. The athletes that Emory recruits could easily overpower our staff in fisticuffs if we offended them, and any jokes that we could make at their expense have already been made by the rest of Emory.

We mean, come on, even the bookstore sells sarcastic shirts about our sports. That being said, we love a good curling.

 

Best place to dine on campus?

While not necessarily on-campus, the bathroom of the nearby CVS is a great new “hot spot” for discretely eating the raw ramen you just purchased.

The toilet seat is accommodating, the graffiti insightful and the acoustic insulation perfect for soft weeping. Best part? Free tissues.

 

What Dooley’s Week events will you be attending? What Dooley’s week events will you not be attending?

We will be at every Dooley’s Week event except the notorious Mr. Lamar’s concert, whose casual use of “bish” we find to be incredibly mishogynyshtish.

 

Is it true that the Spoke staff is comprised almost entirely of professional models?

Yes. Our 2,000-employee idea factory in Stockholm is entirely staffed by professional models. As for our Emory office, we did the best we could.

 

Coke or Pepsi?

[Redacted]

 

Dooley or Swoop?

Choice C: Our alcoholic, non-copyright-infringing eagle mascot, Plummet.

Emory Wheel
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The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.

The Wheel is financially and editorially independent from the University. All of its content is generated by the Wheel’s more than 100 student staff members and contributing writers, and its printing costs are covered by profits from self-generated advertising sales.