1. Dangers of Football
We all know that football is dangerous. Please allow your astute On Fire correspondent to drop some knowledge on you: football players are three times as likely as the general populace to get a neurodegenerative disease; football players are four times as likely as us private citizens to get Lou Gehrig’s disease; a Tulane football player recently broke his neck and may never walk again.
But all of this is old hat (is that an expression people still use?). Everyone knows football is dangerous, that when we turn on Fox or CBS on Sunday we are watching players’ lifespans decreasing before our eyes.
And no one really cares that much. Because it is a personal choice of the players. Because it is easier to think about this year’s playoff race than a mental illness in 20 years. Because football is fun, gosh darn it!
However, new evidence has come to light which may change the way this issue is perceived across the nation. Your intrepid On Fire correspondent has recently uncovered, through a close reading of the homepage of Yahoo!, conclusive proof that watching football is dangerous for fans as well.
This is a story too sad, too dramatic and too utterly human to be told through mere facts and figures. (The fact that your research-loving On Fire correspondent has not been able to find any facts and figures is irrelevant.) Rather, this story must be told through … well, two stories.
Take the tale of a sad group of Broncos’ fans watching last week’s game against the Steelers. Sitting in seats costing a cool $250, the fans were repeatedly bombarded by falling projectiles. To use layman’s terms, pigeons pooped on them. A lot. The situation required fans to take desperate measures. Some covered their drinks with empty popcorn bags. Others covered their heads with rally towels. A few even complained to management.
But if they think they have it bad, Broncos’ fans should talk to inhabitants of Baltimore. In a preseason game against the Detroit Lions, a bat swooped into the stadium and potentially made contact with several fans. The bat escaped before it could be caught. Local authorities have warned those who came in contact with the creature to get themselves tested for rabies.
You just cannot win some times.
2. Hospital Tweets
Last week, Oakland A’s pitcher Brandon McCarthy was struck in the head by a line drive. He was hospitalized with a serious condition. However, he has not lost his sense of humor. If anything, the injury has helped it. Your social media-loving On Fire correspondent has recently decided that McCarthy is the funniest man on Twitter.
He was recently discharged from the hospital. His thoughts on this event:
“WELL IF BEING DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL ISNT THE BEST TIME TO ASK ABOUT THREESOMES THEN IM FRESH OUT OF IDEAS.”
We at On Fire applaud McCarthy for his timing. But if McCarthy lost some confidence in being rejected for his threesome, he quickly gained it back:
“Guess who’s “a good big boy who went potty all on his own” today? This is all doing wonders for my self-esteem!”
Due to his injury McCarthy was forced to have a good portion of his hair shaved off and a flashy scar to go with it. However, he is making the best of the situation:
“With this sweet new haircut and homemade Bane mask I’m off for a big day of yelling at tourists in Union Square.”
This one’s for you @BMcCarthy32.
3. We Love Twitter
Brandon McCarthy is not the only athlete sending out some quality tweets lately. Some of the best from Chad Johnson:
“If I’m on ur fantasy team don’t trade me,I always start slow,I didn’t lose my virginity until my senior yr.I kept trying so stick with me.”
However, Mr. Johnson appears to be doing much better now with the ladies. With more ladies, though, come more problems. As Chad also posted:
“There’s nothing worse than autocorrect while sexting and hitting send before you can fix it “I can already feel my duck in your puppy.”
Your innocent On Fire correspondent is sickened by having read that last one. Thanks for sharing, Chad.
The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.
The Wheel is financially and editorially independent from the University. All of its content is generated by the Wheel’s more than 100 student staff members and contributing writers, and its printing costs are covered by profits from self-generated advertising sales.
