onfire

  1. Derek Jeter

It is a well-known fact that for many of you, your On Fire correspondent is your role model, your idol and your mentor. In light of his gorgeous girlfriend, Hannah Davis, making the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, it is time Derek Jeter is unveiled as your On Fire’s mentor. That is, you, my loyal reader’s grand-mentor.

Hannah Davis is smoking hot. She’s not the only fox whose heart Derek stole, however. I mean, come on. Mariah Carey? Can you say voice of an angel? The Jessicas: Beil and Alba. Possibly Scarlett Johanson (she publically denied it, but your On Fire correspondent has privileged information on the topic. Just don’t tell anyone).

How, you might ask, does Derek make these incredible women fall for him? Why is he worthy of the honor that is being the mentor of your mentor? Why have you not secured a date in a year while Jeter hasn’t spent a night alone in 40 years (Hint: He was born in 1974)?

Derek uses the same methods of courting and seducing that he taught your On Fire correspondent years ago: the “J-E-T-E-R Method.” For the first time in the history of man, the J-E-T-E-R man will be released, so brace yourself, protégé.

“J:” Just be yourself. You’re a professional athlete. You’re an easy 10 out of 10. You have abs of steal and can make your pecs bounce to the beat of “Jump Around.” You got this.

“E:” Ease into talk about your accomplishments. Remember, you’re one of the best athletes of all time in the best sport of all time. You don’t want to be threatening.

“T:” Tell the media about all of your relationships, flings, potentials and fantasies. Even if it’s not true, they’ll make everyone, including you and your desired, think it is. Don’t call it brainwashing. Call it freedom of the press.

“E:” Every day, hit bombs and throw gas. You know your looks are important, but what are looks without your unbelievable talents? A regular person. You know who doesn’t date Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover models? Regular people.

“R:” Realize the relationship can’t go on. You’re Derek Jeter. You’re the face of the New York Yankees. No, the face of baseball. No, the face of America. No one is good enough for you. Never settle.

Now, my loyal reader, your humble On Fire correspondent realizes that the J-E-T-E-R Method cannot work for everyone. In fact, it has only ever been tested by Derek Jeter and yours truly.

But, your On Fire correspondent must be going now. He has an 8 p.m. reservation for Zaya’s with Hannah.

  1. The White Side

A friend of your On Fire correspondent recently told him correspondent to check out his “white side” the other day while we were utterly [redacted]. I was confused by what this meant and presumed it was a comment on my privilege. Your on fire correspondent may have over analyzed the comment given that we were incredibly [redacted]. But it wasn’t until the next morning that I realized the comment was not about my privilege but about an up and coming player on the Miami Heat. Your on fire correspondent, who may or may not even go to Emory at this point, has taken particular interest in the post-LeBron phenomena growing down south in Miami.

Miami’s current starting center, Hassan Whiteside, came out of nowhere to take the starting position this season. Facing the T-Wolves on Wednesday, posted 20 rebounds and 24 points. I see you Hassan. With this performance, the question begs whether Hassan will surpass Reggie Bush and Jeremy Lin as the most popular and exciting irrelevant sports sensation in their respective leagues.  Leading analysts over at ESPN have explained that they believe Whiteside is good, but wonder whether he will continue to play well. To that I say, in what world are you qualified to say such obvious things on TV? Put a camera in front of me, pay me a ton and I’ll tell you the sky is blue and Shaq is bald. But I digress.

Bron Bron could really use a Hassan Whiteside right about now. The man is singlehandedly-keeping the city of Miami interested in basketball. With D-Wade on the outs and Bosh being well, Bosh; Hassan has become a flame of hope in Miami… trying to outshine mega resorts, internationally renowned nightlife, hundreds of miles of sandy white beaches, great restaurants and great looking people. LeBron couldn’t handle the pressure of being a star in Miami, so can Hassan?