1. Fall Band Party
Yo, everyone, stop what you’re doing. Passion Pit is coming to Emory for Fall Band Party! Oh my god, who is that though?
For those of you who are too infected by mainstream music culture (most of you), Passion Pit is an electro pop music group that has yet to garner universal acclaim. They were actually just in Atlanta recently. Twice actually. All of their Emory fans were there; it was pretty cool and stuff.
Wait, so they’re a pop group that not that many people know about, and those people who do know about them just went to see them in Atlanta? Why are we paying for them to come to Emory then?
We at On Fire have been asking ourselves that for weeks now. In order to cope with SPC’s self-serving idiocy, we set out on a search for the perfect Fall Band Party performer.
This search began with some existential reflection. What makes the ideal Fall Band Party performer? After painstaking deliberation, we decided that the perfect Fall Band Party performer has the voice of an angel, has at least one anthemic song and has ties to Atlanta.
Looking at these qualifications, there is one obvious choice: R. Kelly.
R. Kelly is the Beethoven of our generation. That is a definitive fact. His voice is a combination of Carly Rae Jepsen and Jesus. If “I Believe I Can Fly” doesn’t give you goosebumps, you are not a human being.
His catalogue is full of anthems. “Ignition (Remix)” is a top-five song of all time. There was recently a Change.org petition demanding it be made the new national anthem. The petition gained several thousand signatures. Everyone knows the words to it.
When it comes to anthems, don’t sleep on “Bump N’ Grind.” The intro alone is the best a cappella performance since Dooley Noted … (LOL jokes, Dooley Noted).
Kelly also has ties to the Atlanta area (we are not positive about this, but probs). He is the perfect choice for Fall Band Party.
Yes, he’s eccentric. Yes, he p–sed on a minor at some point. But this is the school that had Big K.R.I.T give a lecture.
We lied about our admissions statistics. We told rejected high schoolers that they had been accepted. Our University President used the Three-Fifths Compromise as an example of positive compromise.
What’s a “soliciting a minor for child pornography” charge among (admittedly f–ked-up) friends? We don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump n’ grind.
SPC, if you’re reading this, get your act together.
2. Football
Now that our R. Kelly rant is over, let’s turn back to sports. What is going on in football this year?
Like, not just college football, but the NFL too.
This has to be the most unpredictable season in a very long time. In the NFL, the Chiefs are the lone undefeated team. Yes, you read that correctly.
Last week, the Jets beat the New England Patriots on a very questionable overtime call. The Bengals beat the Lions, the Bills beat the once 3-0 Miami Dolphins.
To put it in perspective, Mr. Prinks won the Wheel Sports section’s Pick ‘Ems this week. Mr. Prinks didn’t even have a description in Storylines last week, something for which we apologize but simultaneously take absolutely no blame.
Then, there’s college football. The SEC has a lot more depth this year (see Ole Miss, Tennessee and Kentucky being actually decent this year), but the top is really meh. Missouri is surprising people, sure, but are they elite?
The only true elite team in the SEC is Alabama. We are usually SEC homers, but the Pac-12 and ACC might be more elite than the SEC. The ACC has Clemson and Florida State and the Pac-12 has Oregon and Stanford. Crazy.
3. Pop Songs Released in the Past Week Ranked
1) “Rap God” – Eminem
2) –
3) “Sweeter than Fiction” – Taylor Swift
4) –
5) “Do What U Want” – Lady Gaga & R. Kelly
6) “Hold Tight” – Justin Bieber
The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.
The Wheel is financially and editorially independent from the University. All of its content is generated by the Wheel’s more than 100 student staff members and contributing writers, and its printing costs are covered by profits from self-generated advertising sales.
