Madonna,

We very much appreciated your letters concerning your request to star in your own Disney Channel original series.  I must apologize for only now replying to your last three letters. To be honest, we thought a joke was being played on us. I take full responsibility.

Anyhow, we loved the pitch you had of playing an adult singer by night and normal housewife by day, but we feel as though we covered the idea in a similar program. We also loved your other show idea, Milf, but we worry how children, our main audience, might react. Although it was quite compelling, it contained a bit more nudity than we are comfortable showing. We still have yet to read your other pilot, Hooters’ Cooter’s Revealed, but we’ll write back as soon as we give it a good read.

We also very much appreciated your help in writing a new episode of Hannah Montana. We just didn’t think it was characteristic of Billy Ray Cyrus to tell Miley’s friends to “Grow some balls, you little ****heads.” We see where you were going with the idea; however, it wasn’t right for us. Even if we did feel it was right, the series, unfortunately, ended a few years ago.

And although we’re not exactly responsible for your flattering

iCarly comments, we will be sure to send your kind words to the creators at Nickelodeon. I’m sure they will be interested to hear who you think should play iCarly’s “milfy mother.”

Nickelodeon has forwarded us a letter you sent to them, and we very much appreciate how much you love what happens to be Disney’s show, Wizards of Waverly Place. We were actually quite impressed with your idea of how we might fit you into that show. How you came up with having Lord Voldemort cast an Avada Kedavra curse on Selena Gomez, and then having her “milfy muggle mother,” you, take over as the star was, well, ingenious. And as much as we would love to have you on the show, it is currently off the air as well.

We promise we will try and fit you into one of our upcoming shows. We have been trying for a while now to reach an adult audience, and have been extraordinarily successful with our cartoon, Phineas and Ferb, which we learned you were a big fan of ever since Cartoon Network forwarded us your kind remarks. We’ll brainstorm an idea for you and let you know what we come up with.

Best of luck,

Your Friends at Disney

– By Tony Walner 

Emory Wheel
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The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.

The Wheel is financially and editorially independent from the University. All of its content is generated by the Wheel’s more than 100 student staff members and contributing writers, and its printing costs are covered by profits from self-generated advertising sales.