On Fire 3/5/13

1. Gonzaga
There have been only two constants in the 2012-13 college basketball season to date, and they are as follows: 1) Michigan’s court looks like someone urinated on it, and 2)Literally not one team in the nation wants to be ranked No. 1.

It looked like Indiana was going to be the No. 1 team at the beginning of the season before they lost and were surpassed by Michigan, who tripped up and yielded to Kansas, who blew it and surrendered the spot to Louisville, who realized they were Louisville and lost so that Florida would take over (maybe), but then Duke won a couple games and took the spot (possibly?), before Miami caught fire and was voted No. 1. (This actually did not happen.) Then they all lost again, and something truly magical happened.

The Gonzaga University “Zags” (not a real nickname) are now the number one team in the nation. They are known to their fans as the “Bulldogs” (real nickname). They are known to everyone else as “that one team that somehow shows up in my March Madness bracket every year that I pick into the second round because their name is kind of cool.” They are the best basketball team in the nation. This has never happened before.

In honor of the Zags’ achievement, your On Fire correspondent found it necessary to research the backstory of this mysterious basketball-playing team that apparently represents a university. Gonzaga University is apparently an actual thing. It is, however, located in Spokane, Wash., so its existence is as of yet unconfirmed by people outside of Spokane, Wash. Famous Gonzaga alumni include John Stockton, Sherman Alexie and someone named Courtney Vandersloot.

If the season holds true to form, the mighty Zags will soon relinquish their title, but they will never be forgotten. And they will certainly not become a footnote in a swirling whirlpool of teams that have earned the number one spot in this absolutely ridiculous season and burn out in the second round of the NCAAs.

2. Average Joe
Joe Flacco is not an elite quarterback. Rahim Moore had more to do with his Super Bowl trophy than he did. And then there was his epic defense and his stellar receiving core and that Ray Rice guy.

Flacco is OK, we guess, maybe kind of a little bit, but it is stupid to call him an elite quarterback.

The Ravens paid him elite money though, which may have helped his notorious insecurity.

Probably not though, considering the recent ESPN headline which read: “Flacco Feels Respected, Goes to McDonalds.”

We’re not really gonna touch that. We’ll just leave it here for your enjoyment.

You’re adorable, Joe. Hope that McDouble made you feel elite.