Emory has completed its first week of online classes via Zoom, the learning platform of choice that totally isn’t selling your data to Facebook. I’ve already shared complaints with my friends about stuffy virtual discussion groups, but after experiencing the luxury of rolling out of bed two minutes before class to turn on my lecture, it’s also hard to miss previous on-campus routines. The love-hate relationship for Zoom seems almost universal among students at Emory. Here are some of the most common experiences we face in this new era.

Technology-Aversive Professors

Remember that one professor you have who always banned technology from the classroom? Well, he refuses to transition to online teaching and has jumped on the claim that COVID-19 cannot be contracted through mail. He insists that good old-fashioned letter writing is back and here to stay, and has promptly assigned weekly papers due every Saturday at noon. When I sent him a letter — via snail mail — about what to do in the event that our mail carriers are quarantined, he, without a beat, replied, “That’s what messenger pigeons are for.”

Arts at Emory Go From Underground to Downright Embarrassing

Students are now 37% more likely to be on time to classes traditionally held in the Burlington Road Building but 100% more likely to be offbeat during their ensemble rehearsals. In an effort to continue their craft, music and dance students alike are proposing to use the newly released “Animal Crossing: Rhythms and Beats” to simulate practice and performance. Meanwhile, one visual arts student’s plea for a box of 16-count Crayola crayons faces disapproval from the department. And to think people said the arts were dead before the pandemic!

Rule Breakers

Two computer science majors have been accused of creating “deepfake” videos of their professors announcing that they have COVID-19 and are suspending class indefinitely. When asked to comment, the two agreed that instead of being granted academic probation, they should be hired by Emory to edit College Dean Michael Elliot’s “Emory Together” mini-series. The Honor Council has sanctioned the students on the basis that “there are no rules about this in our outdated code of conduct” and that they “don’t even have the structure in place to reprimand remote cheating.”

Zoom Celebrities

The teacher’s pet dares to keep his camera on the whole time, stays unmuted and spams the chat with specific questions about how the grading system is affected. He still makes sure to interrupt the professor at least every 15 minutes to rephrase what the professor said just to show off that he understands the material. Way to go, Brad.

Office Hours Turned Happy Hours

Flatter your professor while you flatten the curve! Sure, you always stopped by your professor’s office for “homework help” and not to cozy up and chat about their research. However, now you can keep milking stories about your professor’s accomplishments with a cocktail in hand. Forget about your worries with your mentor, and get them to open up about what the class average is. Underage mocktails encouraged.

Romance?

With the end of the world on the horizon, students are becoming more daring in the dating realm. Zoom matchmaking services are growing in popularity as the prospect of physical intimacy vanishes indefinitely. Of course, Emory pre-med students still don’t have time for flirting. Their heads are still in the books so much that they haven’t even realized the MCAT has been canceled.

Conclusion

Since everyone’s experience is different, if you haven’t had strong thoughts or feelings about this change, that’s okay. Just stop reminding the rest of us that your life is carrying on as usual — we don’t want to hear it. Obviously, Zoom is just one part of this whole international crisis, but we still have a right to complain about it.

Bored of fruit drawings already? Looking for another way to kill time? Send in your most proud or embarrassing Zoom experiences for a chance to be part of this relatable content. After all, if a pandemic doesn’t bring the Emory community closer together, what will?

Naomi Keusch Baker is from New York City, N.Y. Contact Keusch Baker at [email protected].

The views represented in this article are the writer’s own. Read more of the Wheel’s satire under Emory Life and contact [email protected] if you’re interested in satirical writing.