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I’ve been searching for this ginger salad dressing at Kroger for months. I had it at a friend’s house over the summer and fell in love. I finally found it and made a salad with it this weekend, but it tasted truly OFFENSIVE. Now my taste buds are hurt and my heart is broken. What do I do? 

Sincerely,

As Told by Ginger

 

Dear As Told by Ginger ,

This is an important issue that must be addressed. The bond between one and one’s salad dressing requires a level of trust that can never be broken. If my raspberry vinaigrette deserted me, I’d feel as shipwrecked as the Titanic after it hit an iceberg (of lettuce). Raspberry vinaigrette is the Jack to my Rose, the sinking violin quartet to my lifeboat. Anyway, you’re screwed. Try Publix. Good luck!

 

Delightfully,

Doolina

Dear Doolina,

All of my friends are mad at me for constantly making fun of them. But I only make fun of people that I like! I don’t know any other way to express love. Help? 

Sincerely,

Joke’s on Me

 

Dear Joke’s on Me,

Skeletons enjoy a good laugh from time to time, just like humans. But also like humans, we know when enough is enough. The problem here is pretty straight forward: you’re making fun of your friends too much. Back when I was mortal, I made the same mistake. I used sarcasm and dark humor with my friends to show that I felt comfortable with them. Because, really, sarcasm is a way of expressing your thoughts and feelings by revealing the opposite of them. For instance: “I like EmoryUnplugged” is an obviously sarcastic comment (more like EmoryNotPluggedIn, am I right?). By using sarcasm, you’re actually revealing that you don’t like EmoryUnplugged.

Even though I’m now a skeleton, I still have my funny bone and know my way around a good joke. But my unearthly wisdom is telling me that you’re using sarcasm because you’re uncomfortable expressing yourself and have some walls up. If that sounds right, I’d recommend toning down the jokes a degree, and working on expressing yourself in more healthy, productive ways (like writing unnecessarily long and forthcoming Facebook statuses because Twitter’s 140 character limit is too “restricting”)

 

Delightfully,

Doolina

 

Dear Doolina,

I had a nightmare that my roommate held up a bank and took me hostage. I have no proof, but I think it was a premonition. Should I be careful

Sincerely,

Robbed of and in my Sleep

 

Dear Robbed of and in my Sleep,

Scientists are still trying to understand just exactly why we dream. But what they do know is this: sometimes we dream to help us solve problems. That’s why you’ll often hear the story of the frustrated mathematician who’s trying desperately to solve a notoriously difficult problem to no avail.

Then, one day, the answer comes to him in his sleep, and eureka, he’s solved it! Archimedes famously came up with the displacement method of measurement while in a bath tub. What your history teacher didn’t tell you was that he was napping while in the tub.

The reason your teacher didn’t tell you that is because it isn’t true – but that doesn’t detract from my main point, which is this: we dream to creatively dream up solutions to our real-life problems.

Either you have some unresolved issues lingering between you and your roommate, or you’re about to be robbed. Either way, don’t ignore your dreams – they’re trying to tell you something.

Delightfully,

Doolina​