Category: Satire

On-Campus Classes: A Treacherous Endeavor

The sun beats down as my trusty mule trots along beside me, carrying rations needed for the long journey ahead. I haven’t seen a face in weeks; my only companions are the occasional tumbleweeds that drift aimlessly through these hallowed grounds. Every watering hole has been disconnected, leaving my canteen bone dry until who knows [...]

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How To Make Friends as a First-Year: A Detailed Guide

I can tell you from my two weeks at Emory that making friends is tough, especially if you’re a loser. In case you’ve been wondering, yes. Everyone is judging you. Now at this point, you might still be in vehement denial — that’s understandable. We all know you’re an insecure wreck. Allow me, however, to [...]

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University Closure? Okay, Zoomer

Emory has completed its first week of online classes via Zoom, the learning platform of choice that totally isn’t selling your data to Facebook. I’ve already shared complaints with my friends about stuffy virtual discussion groups, but after experiencing the luxury of rolling out of bed two minutes before class to turn on my lecture, [...]

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