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Dear Doolina,

I’m a freshman female. Emory nightlife is pretty abysmal for an underclassman without a car, and now that the Fraternity Row’s been shutdown, I don’t know what to do this weekend. I still want to go out and have fun, what should I do?

Sincerely,

Turned Down

Dear Turned Down,

When you have a second to take a break from worrying about your social life, you might want to consider the conditions which led to the (temporary) shutdown of the fraternities that fall under Emory’s Interfraternity Council. Perhaps, with all the extra time you’ll have on your hands, you could do your part to create a community that strives to prevent every instance of sexual assault and assists survivors when it does happen. Or, you know, you could go to Maggie’s and MJQ like the rest of us. You’ve heard of Uber, right?

Delightfully,

Doolina

Dear Doolina,

My roommate carved a beautiful pumpkin for Halloween, and it was a great addition to our room. But now it’s November, and the pumpkin is getting old … literally. I can smell the pumpkin rotting, but every time I bring it up to her she says she can’t smell anything. Everyone else agrees that the pumpkin should go, but they think the situation is too hilarious to intervene. What do I do???

Sincerely,

Roommates with the Not-So-Great Pumpkin

Dear Roommates with the Not-So-Great Pumpkin,

You sure have a rotten problem on your hands. I’m not kidding, this conundrum really stinks. I don’t want you to think I’m underestimating your truly potent problem. But, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. 

Similarly, when life gives you pumpkins, you make pumpkin pie. I suggest you offer your roommate a fresh-baked pumpkin pie in exchange for getting rid of the rotten pumpkin, or else you invest in a strong pumpkin spice-scented candle to mask the smell.

Delightfully,

Doolina