Bruno Mars is that awkward guy who was featured on that one song, and everyone was like, “wow, that dude with the high voice is pretty talented.”
And then he started coming out with solo music, and it was pretty not memorable, but he was trying so hard so we kind of just let him keep releasing music.
And now he is performing at the f–king Super Bowl. What the f–k, everyone.
Seriously, what have you all done? A cheap, four-foot Michael Jackson impersonator is now performing at the Super Bowl, and it is all of our faults.
We here at On Fire decided to take out our obvious (and justified) frustration about this situation into coming up with our dream Super Bowl performance. To all of the NBC execs reading this (none), feel free to give us credit or money or a job or something.
The dream Super Bowl performance would be Kanye West and Britney Spears.
Hear us out. Kanye is the best male performer on the planet, and Britney is the best female performer on the planet.
Combining the two together would be a surefire way to appeal to both male and female viewers (not that the Super Bowl needs any help getting ratings).
How would the two artists mesh together? Believe it or not, Kanye and Britney actually would have great chemistry together.
Personality-wise, both have been put on godlike pedestals, attacked by paparazzi at every turn. This led to Britney’s much-publicized 2007 breakdown and Kanye’s recent 2013 breakdown.
Artistically, both artists have been compared (either by themselves or adoring fans) to Biblical figures. Kanye just recently came out with his album Yeezus (get it? It’s like Jesus but Kanye) and Britney is often depicted by her fans as God (seriously, Google ‘Godney’ if you get a chance. It’s hilarious).
Now for the set list. How would they mesh artistically? Well, the theme of the performance would have to be religious.
Kanye would lead off the performance dressed in black as he is chased by a pack of CGI’d dogs. Kanye performs “Black Skinhead.” It is epic.
Then, insert random soulful singer – doesn’t really matter who. The singer accompanies Kanye as he performs “All Falls Down.” As Kanye performs “All Falls Down,” he is in the midst of walking from the original black stage to a different stage. This stage has a massive throne and is surrounded by massive Greek pillars.
At the end of “All Falls Down,” Kanye launches into “Power.” He stands on the golden throne and raps about how amazing he is.
Everyone is loving it, but he is just warming up the audience for the main event.
As Kanye ends “Power,” the lights begin to dim, and the audience’s attention is directed upwards to a spotlight coming from the clouds.
We see Britney, she is dressed as an “angel.”
She slowly descends down to earth and lands on the throne. She sits on the throne and stares at the crowd for a moment, looking over her subjects.
Then, she stands and the angel costume falls off to reveal a classic skimpy Britney costume.
She performs “Toxic” with two back-up dancers.
Everyone is stunned. She walks slowly to the next stage, where she performs a medley of “Circus” and “Till the World Ends.” It is equally epic.
But Kanye is getting restless – he’s ready for the finale. Britney walks to the third and final stage. A piano awaits her. She plays “Everytime.” It’s really emotional.
As she ends the song, the lights go on around her. The piano is at the front of a church. The seats of the church are filled.
We begin to hear the beginning beat of “Jesus Walks,” and Kanye stands up and into the aisle of the church.
He performs “Jesus Walks” in the aisle as the rest of the churchgoers marvel.
As the song ends, he joins Britney at the front of the church. They embrace and then stare at the audience in silence as they slowly ascend back to heaven.
End of performance.
So much better than Bruno f–ing Mars.
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