For no reason in particular, your remorseful On Fire correspondent has decided that now is a good time for him (or her) to repent for everything bad or mean that he (or she) has done in the last year.
We at On Fire are not at all sure why our unpredictable correspondent chose today of all days to repent for his (or her) wrongs of the past year – he (or she) must just have been inspired by a general feeling in the air. Or perhaps the timing just felt right.
To be completely clear, this repentance has no relation to any religious holidays that may or may not be going on at this time.
Anyhow, all of us here at On Fire have done a lot that requires repenting over the past year. Speaking for all of us, including the Sports Genie, your regretful correspondent will today ask for forgiveness.
Let us start with the other editors of the Wheel.
Dustin Slade, we are sorry for all the times that one of us has walked through the Wheel offices and randomly shouted “F–k news!”
Dusty, we are also sorry for calling everyone’s attention to the fact that you are the creepy villain of the Wheel – the Lex Luthor, the Green Goblin, the unnamed hunter in “Bambi.”
It is obviously true, but you were doing a good job of hiding it until we called everyone’s attention to the fact.
Dusty, we are sorry for making fun of how boring you are and how generic your hairstyle is.
We are sorry that you are so bad at Pick ‘Ems.
We are sorry that you edit the least-read section of the Wheel.
And we are sorry that we always call you Dusty. We know you hate that name.
Priyanka and Sonam, we are sorry for never coming to editorial board meetings. And we are also sorry that you guys get angry at the things we say when we do come.
The thing is, we are usually right. And it is tough to be quiet when you are right.
Also, sorry that we are so essentialist. Whatever that means.
Also, we are sorry that we never get our stories in on time. The thing is, we are pretty lazy.
Jenna and Lizzie, sorry that we sometimes confuse the two of you. You look kind of similar. Not super similar, but when we are tired after a long day of making trouble, we make mistakes sometimes.
Also, Jenna, sorry for all the insensitive things that we say. We think we are funny, but you know that we are just immature.
Lizzie, we are sorry that you do not know what traffic lights look like. That must be really hard for you.
Zak, sorry for making so much fun of your job at Southern Proper. The thing is, we are all just really jealous of your 10 percent commission. And of how incredibly good your hair looks today. Everyone, use the discount code EUZH when buying your products from Southern Proper.
Ok, that is enough for Wheel editors. Time to start apologizing to all the people that actually matter.
For all the people out there who have third nipples, sorry if any of you were offended by the joke that we made on April 18, 2014.
President Obama, sorry that we told everyone to email all their complaints to obama@whitehouse.gov. We know that when you gave us your personal email, it was only for sharing funny videos of cats on the internet, really cool memes and thought-provoking Buzzfeed lists. We abused our privilege, and sincerely regret that.
Also, sorry for the hundreds of complaint emails that you received. Lots of people are unhappy with us.
Minivans, sorry for all the times that we have called you out. The thing is, you are just the most boring car in the world. But that is not your fault, and we will work on accepting you for who you are.
Jay-Z, you are our personal hero here at On Fire. Sorry that we do not write about you more.
Journalists of the world, sorry that we disgrace your good name every time we publish a column.
Potential On Fire interns, we are sorry that none of you have bothered to apply.
Twitter followers, sorry that we never update the account.
That is all, folks. Peace out.
The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.
The Wheel is financially and editorially independent from the University. All of its content is generated by the Wheel’s more than 100 student staff members and contributing writers, and its printing costs are covered by profits from self-generated advertising sales.
