Contrary to popular belief, the On Fire correspondent is not a cyborg sent from the future to prevent a dystopian 2064.
Loyal readers, have any of you ever wondered what a day in the life of our illustrious president, James Wagner, is like?
Your On Fire correspondent certainly thinks about all the time. What does he do? How does he fill is time? For the longest time, this was a mystery to all of us at On Fire.
But inspiration struck your On Fire correspondent at on Saturday. Casually observing JWags at the Homecoming parade, you correspondent could not help but notice President Wagner’s baseball cap, which he had buckled into his belt.
You read that right – presumably tired of wearing his hat but concerned that if he sat it down somewhere he would lose it, JWags had come up with an ingenious solution – securing his hat in his belt.
With his hat dangling by his side, JWags looked like a gunslinging cowboy. It was an incredible look, one that few, if any, could pull off. But he could.
And this observation naturally got your ever-curious On Fire correspondent thinking, what kind of like does a man who can pull off this kind of daring look lead? Then suddenly a vision struck your overheated and dehydrated On Fire correspondent, and in a flash he (or she) lived a whole day in the president’s shoes.
It is 8:30 am, and he slowly wakes up, rolls over and looks at his clock. He sees that it is only 8:30, yawns, and closes his eyes to catch another half an hour of sleep.
He wakes up again at 9 and gets out of bed. After getting in a nice stretch, he gets in a a quick set of 50 push-ups – after all, it is important to work out, and you have to make time for it.
Then he slips into a fluffy white robe, obviously monogrammed with a large JW, and strolls over to his breakfast nook, where Emory catering has laid out a scrumptious breakfast of bacon, eggs, French toast, orange juice and coffee. After all, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
After a hot shower, it is time to suit up. He goes to his closet and picks out a power suit and power tie.
Then he sprays on a quick dab on cologne on each wrist – his personal brand of cologne, Eminence by JSwags.
All ready for a long day, he hops into his Prius and drives from the Lullwater House over to main campus.
Now it is time to get to work. For the next hour, he walks around campus, giving head-nods to everyone he sees.
This is the most crucial aspect of his job, and the time when the president earns his big bucks It is important that he is seen, so that people respect his presence on campus.
The president spends an hour walking from one end of campus to another, delivering head-nod after head-nod with impeccable technique.
Tired from a long hour of hard work, JWags then heads back to his office, takes off his jacket, and loosens his tie.
Now it is time to watch a little Netflix – the president loves the new season of Orange is the New Black.
Finally it is time for lunch. He heads over to Chipotle, getting both guacamole and double chicken in his burrito bowl.
After lunch, he goes for another walk around campus. This walk serves two purposes – in addition to aiding his digestion, it also gives him another opportunity from him to demonstrate his impeccable headnod technique.
But in the middle of this walk, he begins to worry about getting sunburned. “Where the heck is my hat?” he wonders to himself. “Why can I never find it?”
Then he remembers: “It is on my belt!”
Hat now safely on his head, he finishes his walk, get backs in his car and heads home.
It was a tough day. And he has to do it all again tomorrow.
And just like that, your hallucinating On Fire correspondent’s vision ended. And he (or she) realized three things almost simultaneously.
First, your dehydrated correspondent definitely needs to start drinking more water.
Second, your clueless correspondent actually has no idea how President Wagner spends any of his time.
Third, we can all sleep a little easier knowing that his hat is securely fastened to his belt.
The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.
The Wheel is financially and editorially independent from the University. All of its content is generated by the Wheel’s more than 100 student staff members and contributing writers, and its printing costs are covered by profits from self-generated advertising sales.
