1. Soccer
It’s a known fact that Americans are better than Europeans. Europeans wear scarves and way-too-tight cardigans.
They also have these weird, funny accents, and some of them don’t even speak English. Europeans are the f–king worst.
The strangest thing about Europeans?
They like soccer. Did you know that soccer matches are allowed to end in a tie?
Yeah, we know, it’s f–king weird.
Lately, soccer has started to push its way into acceptability in the U.S. Some might even say that soccer has “inserted” itself into the “back door” of American sports culture.
Playing the FIFA videogame has become this cool, chill thing to do. Just grabbing a couple brews with the bros and sitting down to play FIFA has apparently been pseudo-acceptable in American culture for like five to 10 years now.
So, as Americans begin to adjust to European soccer culture, soccer is probably adjusting back. Like the European players are probably acting less European and weird so that Americans will like them and buy their jerseys. It’s like science, or whatever.
Apparently not. In a match between Liverpool and Chelsea this weekend, one of the best soccer players in the game today, Luis Suarez, aggressively bit Chelsea’s Branislav Ivanovic.
Aparently, this is the second time Suarez has bitten another player. He did it in 2010 as well and was handed a seven-match suspension. Of course, everything came full-circle on Sunday when Mike Tyson followed Suarez on Twitter. Classic.
2. Kobe
Kobe Bryant live-tweeted the Laker’s opening game loss to the San Antonio Spurs on Sunday. We’re just going to leave his tweets here for your enjoyment:
“Nothing worse then watching your brothers struggle and u can’t do crap about it #realtalk”
“Matador Defense on Parker. His penetration is hurting us”
“Gotta milk pau in the post right now and d12. Will get good looks from it”
“This game has a ‘steal one’ written all over it for us”
“What I would say if I was there right now? ‘Pau get ur ass on the block and don’t move till u get it’ #realtalk”
“Gotta get to the block. See wat spurs r gonna do with pau and d12”
“I like how Nash is moving so far. Both teams a lil out of rhythm to start”
Kobe is seriously the best, isn’t he? Sadly, the tweets got a lot of backlash, so the Black Mamba was forced to reminisce on his twitter rampage.
“I see my tweeting during the game is being talked about as much as the game itself. Not my intention, just bored I guess #notagain”
He followed this up with, “To tweet or not to tweet… I CHOOSE not 2. Focus should be on the team not my insight. @georgelopez voice “Can’t DO nothin!” #vinospeare”
The media ruins everything.
3. Irish Chocolate
During Notre Dame’s spring game this weekend, with the scoreboard showing 8:21 left in the fourth quarter and Notre Dame beating Notre Dame 46-41, Louis Nix III, a 350-lb junior defensive lineman for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, entered the game at quarterback.
The Irish were lining up for a two-point conversion. Channeling his inner Peyton Manning, Nix started directing his troops. At any rate, he at least pretended to. We at On Fire can only be certain that he was waving his arms around and pointing at people.
He then called for the ball to be snapped, stepped back into the pocket, waited for a hole to clear and then rumbled forward into the end zone.
As he crossed the goal line, he tripped over his own feet and rolled for several feet.
The NBC announcers put it best: “350 pounds of chocolate thunder!”
Or as Nix said himself, “All teams need to be scared of Irish Chocolate. Everyone. Including you.”
We at On Fire are very impressed with Nix, his athletic ability and his ability to take a nickname that someone else made up and claim complete ownership over it.
Keep on trucking, Louis.
The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.
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