Well, folks, spring is upon us — the flowers are blooming, the pollen is flowing, the sun is shining, and your On Fire correspondent has been feeling pretty lonely lately. So, yours truly has decided to reinstate the On Fire Internship. The following is an application to be your On Fire Correspondent’s assistant and potential romantic lover. The On Fire internship application cannot be used for commercial use, despite its employment criteria being suitable for virtually any field. A perfect On Fire internship application would actually mean you are overqualified for careers in some areas of the health care industry, most jobs in university administration and all jobs in actuarial science.
1. How many Dooley Dollars do you have left?
2. Are you willing to neglect homework for duties of or relating to “Rick and Morty” marathons?
3. Explain, in 300 words or less, how you would plan a day long date with a budget of $100.
4. How many songs by Toto can you name off the top of your head?
5. Write the last paragraph of your memoir.
6. Here’s a thought experiment that is a subtle twist on the classic trolley problem: you are the conductor of a hybrid trolley/Japanese bullet train. This vehicle is barreling toward your mother. Do you save her?
7. In ascending order, list your top five favorite emojis.
8. Can you make homemade lemon bars?
9. Fuck, marry, kill: Stephen Hawking, Your On Fire correspondent, Martha Stewart.
10. Who, in your opinion, is the greatest living mime?
11. Give a brief description of your past work experience.
12. Provide the names, addresses and social security numbers for three references.
13. What is your most visited subreddit?
14. If you had the opportunity to assassinate Editor-in-Chief Dustin Slade, what tactics would you use to minimize your chances of getting caught?
15. Hypothetically, if you were planning to embezzle money from The Emory Wheel’s business team, how would you go about it?
Below is a rejected application for the On Fire Internship. Learn from this one’s mistakes …
1. I do not have any Dooley Dollars left.
2. I’m trying to get into the B-School, so no, I don’t have the time to neglect my homework. Sorry.
3. I would buy a $100 bottle of wine and take my date to a romantic, candle-lit dinner at the Dobbs Market, located in the Dobbs University Center.
4, I don’t know who Toto is. Sorry.
5. I then proceed to move my furniture out to the garden and live there for the rest of my life, painting watercolors every morning and meditating every night.
6. *panic* *heavy breathing*
7. The Santa, the cactus, the hourglass running out of sand, the three-quarters moon and the bloody syringe.
8. I make a mean oatmeal-raisin cookie. And I grow my own organic, sustainable kale.
9. Marry Martha Stewart, fuck Stephen Hawking and kill my On Fire correspondent.
10. I really enjoy the works of Richard Hugh Wilbur Tad Kenton Brendan Charles Henry Rivers Timothy Vanderbilt XVII.
11. For the past seven years, I have been a financial analyst at JP Morgan. I think it’s pretty impressive, I mean, I do make the BIG bucks and my house in Boca Raton isn’t too shabby.
12. I feel like they just wouldn’t appreciate that information getting out … but I’d give you their emails?
13. Midlyinteresting.
14. Well, I guess I’d start by bringing him to a random Mexican restaurant that I pass off to him as Dorsia. He then will continue to not notice that we are clearly not at Dorsia. I will then invite him back to my large apartment where I will proceed to play Huey Lewis and the News — their album “Sports” has a clear, crisp sound. In Slade’s state of confusion, he will not notice as I put on a clear raincoat and hit his skull with an axe. TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT DORSIA NOW, DUSTIN SLADE!!!!!
15. I would go up to the fifth floor of the Dobbs University Center and … just take it …
The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.
The Wheel is financially and editorially independent from the University. All of its content is generated by the Wheel’s more than 100 student staff members and contributing writers, and its printing costs are covered by profits from self-generated advertising sales.
