Guys, love is real. Your cynical On Fire correspondent seriously doubted this fact as recently as yesterday, but his (or her) faith has been restored.
By Twitter, of all things.
A Texas high school football player, whom we only know by his Twitter handle @Big_Mike_71, recently asked a Houston Texans cheerleader who we know (but not only) by her Twitter handle @HTC_Caitlyn (presumably HTC stands for Houston Texans Cheerleader) if she would go to prom with him.
At 10:18 am on a date that our research has not yet revealed, @Big_Mike_71 tweeted at @HTC_Caityln, “If I get 10,000 retweets will you go to prom with me [here he puts in an emoticon which conveys the ideas of blushing and modesty but is beyond the capacity of your On Fire correspondent to render] you will get asked in a cute way!”
@HTC_Caitlyn (whose name definitely is Caitlyn, our research has confirmed) replied in less than a minute. At 10:18 am she tweeted back, “Of course I will :)” and he responded at 10:19 am “Alrighttt! [here he puts a emoticon that still conveys the ideas of blushing and modesty but additionally the idea of excitement]”.
@Big_Mike_71, all of us here at On Fire salute you. You move took courage, a lack of shame and a thorough knowledge of the range of emotions and ideas that smiley faces can express.
Your Christian-jock On Fire correspondent is not a former Texas high school football player, but he (or she) is a former Texas high school tennis player (not to brag, but in the name of full disclosure, he (or she) was the first alternate on the varsity team his (or her) senior year).
So speaking from personal experience as a Texas athlete, your On Fire correspondent can say that the traits of courage, lack of shame, and a thorough knowledge of smiley faces run deep in Texas athletes (except maybe not the last one :/).
But there is more to @Big_Mike_71 than these basic traits. Your purposeless On Fire correspondent has failed to leverage these characteristics into anything – he (or she) has accomplished literally nothing with his life besides writing a bi-weekly humor column that satirizes the world of sports and perhaps five people read.
But @Big_Mike_71 has done something with his life. He is taking a Houston Texans cheerleader to prom.
He quickly sought support for his cause, telling his Twitter followers at 11:23 am on February 27, “10,000 Retweets and I’ll be taking a Texans cheerleader to prom [here he inserts two emoticons that have hearts instead of eyes and a big, red smile that your On Fire correspondent will not even attempt to imitate] @HTC_Caitlyn . RETWEET RETWEET RETWEET”.
And he did it. 11,060 people retweeted his tweet, and Caitlyn will be accompanying @Big_Mike_71 to prom.
Now is that true love, or what?
Your creepy On Fire correspondent decided to do a little research on Caitlyn. He (or she) could not discover her last name, but who needs things like names if you know someone’s favorite animal and guilty pleasure (cats and snow cones, in case any of our loyal readers are wondering).
When asked what her perfect day would be, she responded, “April 25th, because it’s not too hot and it’s not too cold. All you really need is a light jacket!”
The ending of this column formerly described how your On Fire correspondent found this to be a very dumb answer. After all, your correspondent is from Houston, and he (or she) knows that April 25th in Houston is anything but sweater weather – it is hotter than heck by then. Furthermore, this question was clearly asking about how she would spend her ideal day, not asking her to pick her favorite calendar day of the year.
The column then ended by saying, “Come on, Caitlyn; keep your head in the game.”
But while editing this column, Lane Billings, the Wheel’s bad-b*tch managing editor (do not listen to anyone who tells you she is kind or sweet) pointed out to your correspondent that Caitlyn was not being dumb, but rather quoting the classic beauty pageant comedy “Miss Congeniality.”
So that one is one us. We at On Fire are the ones who have to keep our heads in the game.
So from all of us here, we hope @Big_Mike_71 and Caitlyn have fun at prom. Have fun, you crazy kids, but also make good choices.
The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.
The Wheel is financially and editorially independent from the University. All of its content is generated by the Wheel’s more than 100 student staff members and contributing writers, and its printing costs are covered by profits from self-generated advertising sales.
