1. How the Mighty Fall
Former Beantown slugger Manny Ramirez has once again latched on with a professional team.
Too bad said team is in Taiwan. Manny has verbally agreed to join the EDA Rhinos of the China Professional League or whatever it is called. According to an ESPN report, a good foreign player earns around $12,000 a month in Taiwan.
At least Manny is willing to take a pay cut out of his love for the game. In 2004, Manny was paid over $35,000. Per at bat. He had over 600 at bats that season.
At least we can still reminisce back to the original Fenway laser show, back when he tore the hide off the ball.
Take notes, kids, performance-enhancing drugs are bad for your health. And your wallet.
2. Shut up Chris Johnson
The guy rushes for 2006 yards way back in 2009 and he thinks he’s the s–t. Since then he’s been an above-average feature back.
Cool beans. Took bad he has not sniffed that transcendent season yet. Remember when, after that campaign, he was chirping about rushing for 3000 yards in a season.
Well now he’s chirping some more, this time some baloney about beating Eric Dickerson’s single-season rushing record and beating Mr. Roboto Adrian Peterson.
You cannot trump the Purple Jesus. Do your knees resemble those of a newborn baby?
Didn’t think so. Just enjoy that annoying CJ2K moniker and continue to play out the string in Tennessee. Leave the heavy lifting to AP.
3. The Worm Goes North
Dennis Rodman recently took his piercings and hair dye and talents to, no, not South Beach, North Korea! Gulags, censorship and goosesteps galore.
The one place left on Earth that is actually Communist in the fully loaded sense of the word.
Obviously Rodman is there to do some basketball related stuff, and apparently Supreme Leader (seriously?) Kim Jong-un is a big fan. Frontrunner.
Hopefully, The Chunky One will not lace up and request a one-on-one game against Rodman.
Can you imagine being taken to the hoop by the fat kid? Rodman’s sliver of basketball credibility will be gone if he loses to The Fat Chunky. Wait, but imagine what will happen to Rodman if he beats Kim, who’s supposed to be some god-like Big Brother figure right?
If that happened, all records of the pick-up game will be incinerated, and the Worm will be sent off into a wormhole.
The North Korean kind. One on one with the Supreme Leader: a fate worse than death. Oh yeah, unless you’re a starving North Korean baby that is.
4. … so Manti, How’s It Hangin’?
Apparently Manti Te’o and his sexual orientation was a hot topic among scouts and front-office paper pushers during the NFL Combine this past week.
Y’all remember Manti? Had a girlfriend who died of cancer, but it turns out she never existed? Squeezed Lance Armstrong and his drug revelations out of the media cycle? Remember him?
That’s right, Manti was in turn squeezed out by the South African Blade Gunner who allegedly popped his model fiancé four times through the bathroom door. May we live in interesting times.
5. MJ or Lebron?
So Lebron had a wicked 13-game February apparently. He shot 64.1 percent for the month, averaging 29.7 points per game on an average of 16.2 field-goal attempts. Throw in the usually bunches of assists and rebounds. Nice. Steamroll the soft, mercurial Kings in overtime? Cool story, bro.
Jordan? Moved to point for a stretch in the 1988-1989 season and had 10 triple doubles in 11 games. That’s checkmate. Happy belated 50th birthday. Come back. Please.
6. Beauty Pageants
Class. Style. Elegance. Taste. All of these words do not apply to the former Miss Teen Delaware. Your On Fire correspondent can confirm for ll our loyal readers that she is extremely hot. He (or she) can also confirm for you that she has resigned her crown after a sex-tape scandal. All of us here at On Fire are very disappointed.
The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.
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