1. Guess Who’s Back
Ladies and gentlemen, we’re back.
Technically speaking, we never actually left. On Fire has been published twice a week on the far right columns of the inside back page of The Emory Wheel since time immemorial, and nothing about this changed last semester.
Except our loyal readers undoubtedly noticed something strange last semester. Namely, that On Fire just was not as good as it used to be. ‘Where did the deep wisdom, the dry wit and the keen insight that make On Fire so special go?’ our readers must have asked themselves. The answer is quite simple: it went to Vienna.
Your adventurous On Fire correspondent spent last semester in Vienna (a city located in Austria, not Venice as some of our more geographically-challenged readers may be thinking – and there are no kangaroos in Austria, as those same readers are probably also thinking).
There are stories he (or she) could tell. Stories about how he (or she) stared down a demonic bunny in the Scottish highlands, loved and lost in Amsterdam (and yes, it is better than never having loved at all), entered an eating contest in London or made a girl cry at a club that sells 50 cent cocktails, just to name a few.
But your ne’er-do-well On Fire correspondent was once reprimanded by a former editor-in-chief because his articles consisted too much of descriptions of his day and shout-outs to his friends, so none of these stories will be told here.
But before moving on to the important and weighty issues of the day, please allow us to take this moment to formally apologize for the poor quality of the writing published in this space in the previous semester and to assure our loyal readers that the wisdom, wit and insight that they grew used to over the previous two years (minus January and February of 2013, during which your dutiful On Fire correspondent was AWOL from the Wheel) will never again be missing from this column. At least for the rest of this semester, that is.
Oh, and we would be negligent not to mention that there were several excellent On Fires written last semester. But our loyal readers surely noticed that there was one fact that all these columns had in common – they were all about how much everyone at On Fire missed Bennett, a man better known at the Wheel as the Sports Genie who was studying abroad last semester in a central European country known for its striking lack of kangaroos.
It is still not entirely clear what connection Bennett has had, or currently has or will have for the rest of this semester with the Wheel, but your admiring On Fire correspondent is glad that this Bennett was able to provide inspiration to the Wheel in his absence and hopes that he has an excellent semester.
2. Football
We at On Fire have only two core beliefs: to never write about anything important, relevant or topical and to always condemn moral corruption in the sporting world.
In the spirit of the first belief, this section is not about football, as in the NFL divisional playoffs that are coming up this weekend. Rather, it is about futbol, the sport which 99 percent of the world loves and we at On Fire are ambivalent at best about.
In the spirit of the second, the purpose of this section is to express our disapproval of a recent photograph taken of Ronaldinho, the Brazilian soccer star.
In the picture, Ronaldinho stands shirtless in a swimming pool while striking a pose reminiscent of the Christ the Redeemer statue that stands outside of Rio de Janeiro (a city in Brazil, for our geographically-challenged readers).
So far, so good. Although we at On Fire are not certain if Ronaldinho intended this pose to signify his devotion to and love for Christ, or if he was actually claiming to be the Messiah, we have no problem with either of these interpretations.
However, in front of him things begin to get dicey.
Five ladies are kneeling in front of him, wearing thongs and sticking their rear-ends in the air.
Okay, so your virtuous On Fire correspondent has been racking his (or her) brain for several minutes trying to come up with the right words to condemn this behavior, and he (or she) has failed utterly.
This picture is really cool. Good for Ronaldinho.
The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.
The Wheel is financially and editorially independent from the University. All of its content is generated by the Wheel’s more than 100 student staff members and contributing writers, and its printing costs are covered by profits from self-generated advertising sales.
