1. A Word From Our Sponsors
Football is stupid. It’s a bunch of oversized men in tiny pants running around trying to hit each other as hard as possible. Is there is even a ball involved? The rate of pro football players dying of head injuries or shooting themselves in the face is a stat I’m far too lazy to look up. But I assure you it exists, and those who are not crippled by fatigue would probably tell you it’s incredibly high compared to other sports played in this fine country.
And while we’re talking about stupid sports, let’s talk about baseball. Does anything ever happen? Most of the game is spent waiting around, watching obese Americans stuff their faces with over-priced concessions. Literally, it costs $10 for a cup of fries. I guess that’s not that much to pay to clog your arteries and contribute to a slow death by fast food.
Don’t get me started on bad food. Food is the fuel we use to survive, and yet we give it as much attention as Emory athletics. And the s–t Sodexo feeds us is so pumped with GMOs, hydrogenated oil, trans fat and high fructose corn syrup, that we might as well consider our $60,000 tuition as a down payment on our collective death sentence.
2. Another Word From Our Sponsors
Football is smart. It’s a bunch of undersized women in large pants running around trying to hug each other as hard as possible. How many balls are involved? Two? None? The rate of pro football players living because of head injuries or not shooting themselves in the face is a stat I really would like to look up but I don’t know how to use the internet. But I assure you it exists, and those who are always awake are probably on the internet a lot. Like Facebook, Tumblr, Google; have you heard of Google? It’s really interesting, but if only I knew how to use it.
And while we’re talking about smart sports, let’s talk about baseball. I think everything happens. Most of the game is spent doing things, watching malnourished Europeans with their tiny-ass plates and servings. I mean seriously what the hell is that? Why is it so small? Why aren’t the plates big? Why are fries called chips? You get more bang for your buck at baseball games – a cup of fries at most is 50 cents. I guess that’s not that much to pay to open your arteries and contribute to a long, happy life filled with condiments.
Don’t get me started on condiments. There are so many different kinds that Sodexo offers. Mustard, ketchup, ranch, mayonnaise, relish, I could go on for days because I used the internet to look this up. Just kidding I don’t know how to use to the internet!
3. Back to Your Scheduled Program
Baylor (Texas) just lost by some unholy amount to Oklahoma State last weekend. As your On Fire correspondent previously stated, Baylor was really the only national title contender worth cheering for this season.
As Alabama pummels Jameis Winston and Florida State for their third straight national title as Urban Meyer urinates himself in frustration, think to yourself if this is what you really want college football to be. Viva la Bears.
4. Back to Your Scheduled Program
Speaking of Jameis Winston, your On Fire correspondent is really, really, really hoping those sexual assault allegations are untrue. Because if they aren’t, who can we trust in sports today?
5. Your On Fire Correspondent Is Going Home
And in honor of that, songs about going home ranked:
1. Sam Cooke – “Bring It On Home To Me”
2. Simon & Garfunkel – “Homeward Bound”
3. Lynyrd Skynyrd – “Sweet Home Alabama”
4. Kanye West – “Homecoming”
5. Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros – “Home”
6. Drake – “Hold On, We’re Going Home”
7. Bon Jovi – “Who Says You Can’t Go Home”
The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.
The Wheel is financially and editorially independent from the University. All of its content is generated by the Wheel’s more than 100 student staff members and contributing writers, and its printing costs are covered by profits from self-generated advertising sales.
