In the bottommost reaches of his (or her) heart, your cynical On Fire correspondent truly believes in only a very few things. There are very few pure nuggets of uncontaminated truth that your all-doubting On Fire correspondent has not lost faith in over the years, as he (or she) has spent a lifetime grappling with the universe’s relentless onslaught of lies, deceptions and disappointments.

What are these kernels of knowledge that your correspondent has gleaned over the years? There are only three things that your correspondent knows to be true.

One, there is nothing on God’s green earth more delicious than Texas BBQ brisket; two, not even the stars in the sky are more beautiful than Zak Hudak’s flowing blonde locks; and three, Twitter is a inexhaustible source of knowledge.

Twitter especially has never let your On Fire correspondent down. Indeed, it has taught your innocent correspondent so much over the years.

He (or she) saw LeBron James warn the National Weather Service about flooding in Florida; saw a picture of Billy “Country Breakfast” Butler making a heroic effort to steal second base and even discovered the founders of On Fire out there in the Twitterverse.

Well congratulations, Twitter, you have done it again. You have taught us science.

Have any of you, our loyal readers, heard about the unmanned probe that landed on a comet on Wednesday? No? Well, Jose Canseco has.

Canseco, the author of Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits and How Baseball Got Big, is a former baseball player, boxer and mixed martial artist, and a known writer of elegantly concise subtitles.

This is the first time that scientists have landed a probe on a comet before. The comet is 2.5 miles in diameter and 310 million miles away from Earth, and the 220-pound probe travelled a total of 6.4 billion miles to reach the comet.

And all this made Canseco pretty excited.

“Comet transport is key to our survival,” he tweeted at 1:38 p.m. yesterday.

Canseco raises an excellent point. If there is one thing that is in jeopardy, it is our survival. After all, our sun has only another 5.4 billion years before it runs out of hydrogen.

So, we need to look for ways to get to other stars. Fortunately, Canseco has a plan for us.

“Galactic Beings have used comets as star taxis for eons,” he tweeted at 1:39 p.m. yesterday.

That is the answer, star taxis! How did we not think of this before? If only we were as forward-looking as Canseco, as willing to look to ‘Galactic Beings’ as our role models.

With any luck, however, there will be star Uber by the time we need to escape the Earth.

Canseco then went on to extol the virtues of comets, as compared to other forms of transportation.

“Comets are faster than anything we could ever build and have their own power solving are two problems,” he tweeted at 1:40 p.m. yesterday.

Let us proceed to dissect Canseco’s wisdom.

The two big problems with taxis, as everyone who has ever ridden an Uber knows, are speed and power. Fortunately, using comets as star taxis will solve both of those problems! Which is quite the relief for your anxious On Fire correspondent.

But not only will comets be useful as taxis – they have so many other applications!

“Opens up new business like galaxy touring cruising, asteroid mining, interstellar trade, and planet colonies,” Canseco tweeted at 1:41 p.m. yesterday.

This is a perfect example of what is so great about Canseco. Not only is he concerned about our survival, but he is looking out for the economy as well!

And what great business opportunities these are. If you think you can get a good tan on a Caribbean cruise, just wait until a comet-taxi takes you on a galactic cruise to the sun. If you think we have exploited the Earth’s mineral resources, just wait until we mine the asteroids. If you worry about cultural imperialism, just wait until interstellar trade takes McDonalds to the Andromeda Galaxy.

Most importantly, Canseco did not forget the political implications of comet-taxis.

“If Earth can control the comet transport system we will run the Milkyway. Think about that,” he tweeted at 1:42 p.m. yesterday.

Also, think about how Canseco dispensed all of this wisdom in less than four minutes.

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The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.

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