1. Man/Myth/Legend
LeBron James (aka LBJ aka Bron Bron aka King James aka The L-train aka The Akron Hammer aka The Chosen One aka Black Jesus) is the best basketball player of our generation. Sorry Kobe Bryant. More importantly, LBJ is the best athlete of our generation.
This is a point that can probably be disputed in a long 1,500-word whopper of a column that nobody would read, but your On Fire correspondent is not tryna do that.
Let’s just take our word as infallible for now and move on. So, Bron Bron is the best athlete of our generation. Fact.
Sports fans have been drooling over the thought of him showing off this other-worldly athleticism off of the basketball court. Last week in a Twitter Q+A, because let’s be real everything important these days happens in a Twitter Q+A, King James confirmed that he’s just as down as we are for him to take his talents to the gridiron.
Twitter user @TylerC_2 wrote, “would you ever consider playing in one pro football game? In any league?”
@KingJames replied, “(I wanna play one NFL game before it’s over).”
This is one of the best things that has happened in a long time. The L-Train has the perfect skill set to be a tight end. He’s 6’8, lightning fast and built like a truck. What NFL player has the size-speed combination to cover him?
For those worried about what team would let him play one game for them, obviously the Cleveland Browns would welcome the Akron Hammer with open arms, and why wouldn’t they?
As soon as he signs a contract, his jersey will be available for sale. Since the Chosen One’s jersey is already the most in-demand NBA jersey worldwide, his NFL jerseys would fly off the shelves.
Teams will be clamoring for Black Jesus’ services and the profits that will come with him.
We can’t wait until 2020.
2. The Final Nail
Just around a month ago Brett Favre’s agent Bus Cook was on speaking engagement, humoring a nice Mobile, Ala. crowd. Some of the sugarplums he dropped include Favre’s 225 pound, 7.5% body fat frame (hot), and comparing Favre’s arms to those of a blacksmith (on fire). What’s his aerobic routine, you ask? Only 30-50 miles on the bike and a four-five mile run.
Apparently the St. Louis Rams took notice. After ‘franchise’ QB Sam Bradford’s cleat was caught on the sideline after being forced out of bounds, his knee shredded, the poor dude immediately started writhing on the ground, the Rams reached into their QB-reserve bag, pulled out Kellen Clemens and shat themselves.
So they called Favre asking if he was interested in coming back. Thanks to an NSA open records request, we know what went down.
Rams GM: Hey Brett, this is the Rams calling. How you doin’? More importantly, how’s the arm feeling?
Brett: Wonderin’ where my damn croissants are, but other than that doin’ just fine.
Rams GM: Listen Brett, we’re in a QB jam. I know you’re doing some local coaching back home, and Imma let you finish, but Bradford was the most expensive draft choice of all time. The poor boy’s knee is a capsule of pumpkin puree, and now we are in need of some of that tried and true Mississippi thunder.
Brett: Can I ask you somethin’? How could you be so heartless?
Rams GM: I’m sorry? If this is about the undercooked fish filet your wife ordered when you were in town a couple years back, I’ve repeatedly explained that we were serving sushi.
Brett: All I can say is we could have been somebody.
Rams GM: I’m disappointed you decided to not let the suicide doors up and give the fans what they want.
Brett: Welcome to heartbreak. I hear Tebow is lookin’ for a gig. You should give him a call.
Afterwards, the Rams called Kurt Warner, who mumbled something about a secretary and being the boss tonight before hanging up.
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Buying a professional sports team