ccho/Flickr

ccho/Flickr

Editor’s Note: This is a humor piece and none of the events in it should be interpreted as facts.

It’s been a slow week here on Emory’s campus, so we decided to travel up to New York City and interview a Knicks fan that wished to remain anonymous. Said fan had been badgering us for weeks trying to get us to interview him. We hadn’t planned on going, but he footed the bill for our plane flight and hotel, which for some reason the Wheel wouldn’t cover. When we showed up to New York City, we were escorted to an office in Madison Square Garden, when James Dolan entered, wearing a disguise that would not fool a five-year-old. He assured us that he was not James Dolan, merely a lowly fan of the Knicks. When asked how we were meeting in MSG, he said, “I have some good connections from boarding school.” Here’s a rough transcript of our interview:

Durst and Janick: How would you describe the future outlook of the Knicks franchise?

Anonymous Fan: With our number one overall pick this year, we plan to take the only future superstar in the upcoming draft, Jahlil Okafor. He’s obviously the one piece that we’ve been missing to bring New York another title.

D&J: Hold up there, how do you know you’re getting the number one overall pick?

AF: We don’t *wink wink*. But real talk I had nice long chat with Dan Gilbert, I mean a certain Cleveland Cavaliers fan on the, what’s the right way to say this, the intricacies of the draft lottery system.

D&J: But isn’t that all based off luck?

AF: If you call winning the lottery three times in four years luck, then you’re more delusional than my season ticket holders, I mean, our fellow Knicks fan. But in all seriousness, we’re really bad and stand a chance even though former commissioner David Stern is out of power and can’t rig it for us anymore.

D&J: This summer looks to be a big one for teams with cap space. What moves do you think your team will make in order to contend for a title next year?

AF: My, I mean our people have been in close contact with LeBron James. This whole Cleveland homecoming shit, this was all a show just to wait one year for Amar’e’s contract (which was a great deal in hindsight by the way) to expire. This is some Machiavelli-level shit. James and the Knicks have been planning this since he left for Miami. I’m told James called the awesome James Dolan crying on the phone late one June night, after losing in the finals, saying that he had just made the biggest mistake of his life.  I, I mean Dolan reassured him that New York will always welcome him.

D&J: Ok, I’m sure that’s all true. But didn’t you just buyout Amar’e’s contract?

AF: Wait, what? We cut Amar’e? Phil, I mean my source, told me that he wasn’t going to do that. Ugh I knew I, I mean Dolan, shouldn’t have signed that part of his contract.  I need to go make a phone call.

*Several minutes pass in silence followed by a bunch of screaming and angry stomping. Then a couple minutes pass with what seem to be muffled whimpers. About 10 minutes later, our fan returned.*

D&J: Is everything ok?

AF: I just had to check with my legal team regarding contract terminations of a certain member of the Knicks, I mean my company. I feel like Jack Sparrow when Will Turner betrayed him inPirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End. I just got bootstrapped.

D&J: As a diehard Knicks fan, how do you feel about James Dolan’s response to an embattled fan that went viral a few weeks ago?

AF: First, I personally think that email should have remained private. It’s obvious the guy who sent that email to Dolan was out of his mind. After all, we all know that the owner is completely and utterly responsible for every good thing that has happened to New York basketball since he bought the team.

D&J: What exactly have some of those things been?

AF: I took us to the finals in 1999, and everything else is Isaiah Thomas’ fault.

After this question, Dolan broke down into tears, and kicked out of MSG.

+ posts