The stars have spoken, and the secrets of your destiny are at your fingertips! Prepare for the painful truth as presented in Student Life’s freakishly insightful Horoscopes!

Midterm Edition

Aries
Keep studying, but don’t go overboard. It’s no coincidence that the Ides of March and midterms tend to happen at the same time. Et tu, Chemistry?

Taurus
The writing in the stars tells me something big is coming your way. Though it might be something little. It’s hard to read stars with all this light pollution here.

Gemini
“I know someone posted an Emory Secrets ‘crush post’ about you!” … is a really good title for a virus to spam the Emory student community if you’re so inclined.

Cancer
Didn’t have a heavy midterms season? Don’t say anything about it. Some people here like to sharpen weapons in their spare time.

Leo
Spring is in the air, and that means wedding season! If you’re invited to one, just remember to be courteous, don’t wear white and if you think you can do that dance move, you probably can’t.

Virgo
Oscar Wilde once said, “Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.” However, due to an unfortunate time-and-space-continuum error, Oscar Wilde is not your professor. Get back to studying.

Libra
Do you have warm and fuzzy feelings? Good, because the CDC is concerned about a new superbug that’s infecting hospitals. Go have some real human contact before we live out the plot of “Contagion.”

Scorpio
I bet your brain is fried from studying. Excellent, because if you marinated your brain in buttermilk before frying it, it makes for a good comfort-food meal with collard greens and mac-and-cheese … or so I’ve heard.

Sagittarius
Re-evaluate your friendships this week and sever ties if necessary. I think this was setting up for a North Korea quip, but I’m too scared to write it.

Capricorn
It can be tough working up the nerve to talk to that cute girl/guy/15 inflatable animals. Just take a deep breath and dive in. If it doesn’t work out, hey, there are always inflatable animals.

Aquarius
If you’re reading this on a study break, then good for you. If you’re not studying, then … well, that’s something you have in common with me right now.

Pisces
Are you looking for a job, Pisces? Hey, man, me too. We’re in this together. Forward me any openings you find for Jedi knight, Disney princess or Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.

Horoscopes by Grace Cummings