After much consternation and deliberation with various parties and stakeholders, we are extremely excited to announce that The Emory Wheel has decided to merge with The Emory Spoke. It wasn’t an easy decision – the only way we could afford it was by offering our collective remaining Dooley Dollars, three SPC golden tickets, an expired Peavine parking pass and a couple of DUC swipes (Sports Co-Editor Bennett Ostdiek refused to relinquish his Dooley Dollars so you can thank him for the swipes).

“We fielded a few acquisition offers, namely from Yahoo for $2bn, Facebook for $5bn and Build-a-Bear Workshop for $12bn,” Dave Stess, College senior and Editor in Chief of the Spoke, commented in a Facebook exchange with the Wheel.

In order to compete with these multi-national corporations, we also offered the publication a human sacrifice in the form of our dictator Editor in Chief Priyanka Krishnamurthy. We are certain this acquisition will be agreeable and, more importantly, profitable for all investors. Indeed, when Spoke editor and College junior Martin Sigalow heard the news, he is reported to have said “lol.”

As a part of our publicity campaign to promote the new campus publication, The Emory Wheel’s Spoke, we have decided to revamp the newspaper by putting Sudoku puzzles on the front page, implementing an effort called “proactive content creation” (committing crimes ourselves and reporting on them) and also hosting monthly public roasts of University administrators (you’re first, Dean Nair).

Of course, we have to give props where they are most certainly due. We’ve compiled a listicle (see our website for corresponding GIFs) of 11 reasons why we’re merging with the Spoke.

1. The Spoke‘s website is REALLY nice. Like, really. And not just in a “cool navigation bar, bro” kind of way. Have you seen that masthead? That RSS feed? The conveniently located box where you can immediately like their Facebook page with little to no effort?

2. Speaking of Facebook, we recognize and applaud the Spoke for having almost 6,000 likes, the majority of which originate from an obscure town in Turkey, where we’re pretty sure that the pit scene in “The Dark Knight Rises” was filmed. As such, one of our primary reasons for merging with the Spoke is to expand our global appeal. We heard there might even be some spambots in Bratislava who are interested in liking the new Facebook page.

3. We feel the Spoke is more accessible and relatable to the average Joe. This is demonstrated by the fact that one of the Spoke‘s staff writers is in fact named “Joe” and has been quoted as saying “Hey, I’m just your average Joe.”

4. They are undeniably the most accurate voice in student journalism.

5. They are known for asking the hard-hitting questions, such as “Can the Wheel be used as bonfire tinder?” and “Wait … what?”

6. You can always rely on them for some sophisticated and well-thought out criticism. For example, when the Student Government Association (SGA) discussed controversial legislation about the student activities fee split, the Spoke recapped the meeting with astounding accuracy and such journalistic detail that we had to fire our SGA beat writer in sheer embarrassment.

7. GIFs.

8. They have unmatched breaking news capabilities, including multimedia blasts like iPhone push notifications, and there has even been some rumblings about getting thousands of little birds to personally come and whisper breaking news in every person’s ear every morning so you can say with 100 percent sincerity “a little bird told me.”

9. They hold the Wheel accountable.

10. They actually read the Wheel. Incidentally, they comprise 95 percent of our readership, the remainder of which are made up of “affluent individuals in the 65-85 age bracket,” according to Stess.

11. They know how to take a joke. And hopefully you do too, since this entire staff editorial is an April Fool’s joke. Did you actually think we would ever merge with the Spoke? In their dreams.

 

The above staff editorial represents the majority opinion of the Wheel‘s editorial board. Duh.