Dear Doolino,

I need some girl advice. I met this one chick at a rager that the brothers and I hosted the other night. We made out a bit and then the next day we decided to study together at club libs.

We seem to get along really well and she seemed totally into my Fortnite replays; after I showed her my 12th one, she said, “oh cool!”

She thinks I’m cool!

Also, she really likes Virginia Tobacco Juul pods, just like I do; she was crying out of what I assumed to be happiness when I forced her to inhale. Fate works in mysterious ways.

But here’s where the problems begin: when I asked her if she wanted to go to a semi-formal with me and the brothers, she just totally ghosted me! I don’t understand why she would do that if she decided to make out and study with me.

I have tried everything to get her to like me. I stole fish from Falafel King for her because she said she likes Falafel King, but when I picked the lock to her door and came in to place it on her bed, her roommate told me to get out of her room before she called the cops.

She once said that she wishes she got into the “Dooley Noted” a capella group, so I kidnapped and waterboarded six of their members and held them for ransom until the group decided to let her in. Even after that kind gesture, she ignored me, going as far as darting off in the complete opposite direction when we made eye contact on Cox Bridge. Now all I have to show for my chivalry is a lifetime ban from First Friday.

O, wise Doolino, how do I get her to go to semi with me? I have always considered myself a bit of a Barney Stinson with the ladies, so I am shocked to be rejected for the first time in my life.

Desperately,

The Frat and the Furious

 

Dear The Frat and the Furious,

I don’t know which is the biggest crime you’ve committed: holding six college students for ransom or vaping in the library.

You, my dear Frat and the Furious, are the poster child of toxic masculinity. You are 2 Frat, 2 Furious. Television shows like “How I Met Your Mother” might present gestures like stealing something for somebody you love as “romantic,” but such an action is anything but; in reality, it’s creepy and very illegal.

You project your own interests and experiences onto other people without, for a single second, considering other perspectives. Thinking you can play God, you take little actions that you observed from her and try to pull elaborate meaning out of it just to feed your unhealthy desires.

“I wish I got into this a capella group” does not equate to “please kidnap and torture this a capella group so I can be a part of it,” but your horrific savior complex seems to make you think otherwise.

Read the signs without your ego obfuscating your view. She literally ran away at the sight of you and her roommate threatened to call the cops on you. Even after all of this, are you seriously so delusional to think that she would want to sleep in the same bed as you for an entire weekend?

Perhaps even the worst people can change. I hope you will take my criticism to heart, probably while in jail, given you just admitted to torture and abduction.

Faithfully,

Doolino

 

Dear Doolino,

I’m staying on campus for break and will have nobody to eat Thanksgiving dinner with. What should I do?

Sadly,

Thanksgloomy

 

Hey there Thanksgloomy,

I heard the SGA president is hosting a Thanksgiving dinner. He seems like an interesting fellow. Why don’t you join him?

You could also take this time to explore Atlanta or catch a deer sighting at Lullwater.

Best of luck,

Doolino

 

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