It’s the most wonderful time of the year. No, not Christmas, but finals. The price of Adderall rises, motivation falls and the population of the library increases tenfold. But enough of that. I come to you this week as a humble messenger of mischief, manners and maturity. What I have in today’s column is so outrageous, so mind-blowing, so “out-there,” that it has been pre-emptively banned in 34 countries, 17 states and the McChevron on Clairmont and North Decatur Roads. Also, this is 666 words.
Dear Doolino,
I went to Mags two weeks ago and met the love of my life. He bought me a tequila shot and even took me to Steak n’ Shake afterwards! After we hooked up, he was a perfect gentleman and gave me his sweatshirt as I walked back to my room. I saw such a promising future with him, but now he won’t text me back. Do I make out with his roommate?
Sincerely,
Miffed Maggie
Dear Maggie,
HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH TODAY’S SOCIETY??? First off, looking for love in a shitty underage dive bar might not be the best place to start, and Steak n’ Shake isn’t that much better. Have you seen their health score? Next, what are you doing looking for love in college anyways? Sure, you might find that special someone but I might also win the lottery and Atlanta sports teams might be good. What I mean to say is, don’t get disheartened if someone doesn’t text you back. Today’s society is too damn obsessed with “instant” this and “instant” that and there’s no incentive to wait for any sort of pleasure (which, if he was a perfect gentleman he should have done 😉 ). Five years down the road when you upgrade to a less-shitty real people bar, the right person will sweep you off your feet with equally cheap alcohol.
Besides, there’s always next weekend.
Sincerely,
Doolino
Dear Doolino,
I’ve been around since 1976 but I feel like people don’t appreciate the work that I do. I think I’m funny, but I don’t get the same reaction from people anymore. Nobody appreciates satire anymore because everyone is too politically correct and social justice-y to laugh. How do I become funny again?
Sincerely,
The Emory Spoke
Dear Spoke,
LOL. There, you got your first laugh in a while. I’m sorry you’re not as funny as you used to be. Instead of providing relevant satirical commentary about issues people are talking about on campus or society at large, you make tone-deaf jokes and memes about sex. Not that there’s anything wrong with memes about sex, but there’s only so many penis jokes you can fit in (haha get it — “fit in”) before it gets tiring. Plus, your social media presence is abysmal. I’ve seen better tweets from Donald Trump. I pine for the days when a new Spoke article was published and I could fulfill my doctor-recommended four and a half guffaws per day. Now, it seems that humor is something Spoke-n of in the past tense.
Sincerely,
Doolino
Dear Doolino,
I’ve spent the past 82 hours in the library cramming for my two finals next week. Do you have any study tips?
Sincerely,
Dees Get Degrees
Dear Dees,
You’re fucked. Cramming only works when packing suitcases and doing Chubby Bunny competitions with marshmallows. My guess is you were probably with Miffed Maggie up there drinking for love at Maggie’s more than you were doing the reading for that poli sci class. Studying is a process that is cumulative (just like your final, probably). Everyone has to live with the consequences of their actions, and your best bet is to hope that you remember enough to not fail. At worst, you probably won’t get that nice internship you wanted, unless you’re in the Business School in which case the curve means at worst you get a B- and a cushy job at Deloitte. I hate you a little bit.
Hope you fail,
Doolino
The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.
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