Formal season, finals and senior graduation photos are upon us. As students begin to regret their decision not to withdraw from courses at the semester’s end, they’ll also transition to long-awaited summer plans (or the lack thereof). Whatever your ailments may be, Doolino is here to make sure you can have your vegan DUC-ling cake and eat it, too.

Dear Doolino,

All the places that I applied to work at this summer rejected me. I don’t have a summer internship and summer is less than a month away. I am in full panic mode and envious of all my friends who have opportunities locked down. Please help.

Sincerely,

Wishing I was a B-school Snake

 

Dear Wishing I was a B-school Snake,

Alexa, play “I’m Rich” by Tiny Meat Gang.

That, my friend, is the best advice I can give you: to be rich.

If you’re already rich, you can afford to take an unpaid internship, work for your parents or have them bribe their equally rich friends to hire you. If even your parents’ friends won’t hire you, you could always take summer classes at Emory to make your workload lighter during the school year. Handshake and your liberal arts education may have failed you, but money never will.

If money doesn’t grow on the trees of your family’s estate, you could pick up a job at a nearby restaurant or retail shop to make some extra cash. Because you obviously aren’t rich, those employee discounts will come in handy. Or, if those jobs are too unappealing, you can pick up a side hustle, like driving Uber. With the free time you’ll have from taking a side job as opposed to an unpaid internship or summer classes, you can *gasp* spend the extra summertime doing something you enjoy. Pursue hobbies that suit your fancy or spend time with people you care about (a foreign concept for those B-school snakes you envy so much). Perhaps you can hang out with people outside of the Emory bubble — give yourself a chance to shed those Emory goggles and start anew in the fall.

That being said, being rich is the most socially desirable option and what I personally recommend.

Sincerely,

Doolino

 

Dear Doolino,

I am graduating this May and, luckily, landed my dream job in Atlanta. Although I’m excited to stay close to Emory and friends, I’m worried that I won’t be able to resist going to Maggie’s Neighborhood Bar and Grill next year when my underclassmen friends end up there every night. I know it would be a faux pas to go to Mag’s post-graduation, but I feel like I won’t be able to help it. Any advice for resisting the temptation?

Sincerely,

RickEnthusiast1836

 

Dear RickEnthusiast1836,

Ah Margaret’s. She is beauty, she is grace. We all know that the harder you resist going to Mag’s, the more likely it is that you will end up there at night’s end. My advice is to embrace the urge to bond with current Emory students. As an adult, the switch to townie can be stark, but for someone in your situation, it’s perhaps the only option. Start bringing a pack or two of cigarettes with you to the bar and make slightly uncomfortable conversation with college students who cross your path. Get there around dinner time so you can claim a much-coveted booth from the students, who might otherwise dance on top of them. Going to Mag’s around dinner time will also help you bond with other locals — a key aspect of your new townie identity. Good luck on the other side. Students may come and go, but your life at Mag’s can live on forever.

Sincerely,

Doolino