After nearly four months of absence, the student population has finally returned to Emory, raring to start a new academic year. While I say students have “returned,” a rather significant bunch of those irritating pre-med people won’t shut up about their research and have probably been here for most of the summer, rotting away on Clairmont Campus. Nevertheless, with the rise of the DUC-ling and the influx of a class of confused freshmen who can’t pronounce “Goizueta,” one cannot help but feel that our wonderful school has been topped with a new coat of paint.

Dear Doolino,

I’m a freshman that got onto the varsity soccer team at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. I applied to the school through a third-party admissions company called Global Talent Agency, and, when I arrived on campus, I was knocked out and thrown into the back of a van. I was in the van for days, chiseling tally marks on the walls with a broken incisor whenever my watch’s alarm went off. After that six-day ordeal, someone dumped me onto the curb of 646 Means Drive. Despite the blood from my temple seeping into my filthy ears, and despite my vision being severely impaired after days of absolute darkness, I could hear the driver speaking to an Emory student. All he said was “Now we are even. Drop all charges.” He then got back into his van.

I don’t understand what happened. What is the Global Talent Agency? How are they related to Emory? How will I adapt to studying here rather than going to UNC Chapel Hill?


David Luiz-er

Dear David Luiz-er,

Oh boy, not even two weeks into the semester, and I’m already getting weird questions.

I shall not sink my teeth into the Global Talent Agency fiasco too much since that’ s been done before, but a relatively prominent student organization made a fiscal decision equivalent to giving your bank details to a Nigerian prince via email. Needless to say, it didn’t turn out well.

Regarding your other, yet equally valid, concern, many people who come to Emory hold different opinions about this place before the semester begins. To some, it’s a major step up from their local state schools. Others sought different, more prestigious schools for whatever reason, be it sport or  a certain department. That’s not just an Emory concept though; almost every private institution will be composed of a similar spectrum of mindsets. While initially it may be a rough transition, with due time you’ll find your group of friends, and, hopefully by then be content where you are, even if the circumstances of your enrollment are a bit unorthodox.

Also, please file a lawsuit.

Yours truly,


Dear Doolino,

I’m a freshman. I was president of my high school’s student council, captain of the recycling club, lead bassoonist of the orchestra, secretary of the tap water society and grandmaster of the watch repair club. Also, I am academically brilliant. I got a 5 on my AP Human Geography exam, a 29 on my ACT, a 10/10 on a BuzzFeed quiz about Disney characters and boast a 120/80 blood pressure. Do you think a triple major in business, NBB and computer science will be too easy for a prodigal freshman like myself? I’m also in freshman organic chemistry because I am simply that gifted!

From IQ 84

Dear IQ 84,

I cannot wait for your first orgo midterm.