Let’s be honest. We’re a month and a half through 2019 and most of us have abandoned our new year’s resolutions faster than emails from Ray and Luna enter my inbox. In this competitive top-21 university environment, staying healthy is important. The key is having the willpower to stick to good habits. How many of us dropped our plans to eat healthy as soon as we were within sniffing range of Twisted Taco? Don’t worry, Doolino has the secrets to resist your worst impulses and be the best you can be.
My roommate is addicted to smoking weed, and I’m honestly worried about him. Almost every night, he leaves to go smoke a marijuana cigarette and then comes back and wastes the rest of the night watching “Blue Planet II” on Netflix. He’s seen that episode about the fish that uses tools at least a hundred times. At this point, I’m worried about his health. How can I help?
Dear Contact High,
You’re right to be concerned about your roommate. He sounds like a Grade A pot fiend. According to the DEA, pot, like heroin and LSD, is a schedule I drug and has “no currently accepted medical use and a high potential for abuse.” Your friend should be easy to cure through brainwashing. I think the Pavlovian approach should work in this case. Whenever your roommate comes back from a meeting with the devil’s lettuce, offer him unhealthy foods. Donut holes, chips, soft drinks and especially sweet tea should work. By indoctorating him with junk when he’s as high as a kite, you’ll teach him to associate the jazz cabbage with unhealthy habits. Once he becomes sick of sugar and trans fat, he’ll never wanna touch a doobie again.
I want to start working out seriously so I can look like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson by summer. I love exercise, but going to the gym is scary. All those big sweaty dudes look and sound like silverback gorillas. How am I supposed to feel when a dude who looks like he could beat an elephant in a wrestling match is Bulgarian split squatting 500 pounds while I’m struggling to bench press more than the bar?
Flabby and Afraid
Dear Flabby and Afraid,
I can totally see how the meatheads in their natural habitat can be intimidating, especially during a Bulgarian split squat, but you can’t let this stop you from building that Dwayne Johnson bod. Here’s a simple fix. All you have to do is blindfold yourself so you can’t see them while you work out. If you have headphones in, it’ll be like the ghosts of Emory’s (nonexistent) football team aren’t even there. You might be thinking, “Oh, Doolino, but how will I get around the gym without my big dumb eyes?” Really, you should be focusing on the positives here. Since you’re blindfolded, you’ll have to figure out which weight to lift based on how heavy it feels, so you’ll intuitively only workout with the weights that work best for you — not too heavy, not too light. It’s a quick fix that’ll improve your workout game all over again.
I’m caffeinated, like, all the time. I literally can’t even open my eyes in the morning until I’ve gone snorkeling in a bathtub of Kaldi’s holiday blend. I need coffee. My friends say my heart will give out if I can’t bring it down to five cups a day. I laugh. Five cups! I sweat more joe than that while I’m fighting night terrors. Please, Doolino, I need your help.
Kathleen the Caffeine Fiend
Dear Kathleen the Caffeine Fiend,
Sorry, but there’s absolutely no cure for caffeine addiction. I don’t even have a technique for that one. It’s just too strong a drug. Don’t worry, though, coffee is one of the socially acceptable addictions here at Emory State Penitentiary. You’ve probably got some work to do, but instead you’re wasting your caffeine high. Pick yourself up and get back to that presentation. Chances are, it’s due tonight anyway.