Doolino Knows Best: Help With A Broad Abroad

Dear Doolino,

My roommate has finally returned after a semester abroad in Canada. As if it weren’t already bad enough that the incessant smell of poutine fills our apartment and a decorative Quebec flag covers the wall, now she won’t stop talking about how much her brief stint in America’s hat has changed her. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Canadon’t

Dear Canadon’t,

Post-abroad ignorance is always a problem, but hopefully it works itself out. On the off chance that it doesn’t, you can always arm yourself with quips about the dark spots in Canadian history: For every “trip motorcycling through Saskatchewan’s fertile plains was so liberating!,” there’s a Quebec Biker War that caused 160 fatalities. For every “nationwide marijuana legalization is so progressive,” there’s the culturally genocidal Canadian Indian residential school system.

When your roommate is sufficiently disillusioned by the knowledge of our seemingly polite northern neighbor’s neglected history, and it seems that they’re spiralling into an existential crisis, then you can remind them that Justin Trudeau is handsome, and your pal should be sufficiently voided of their foreign fetish.

Sincerely,

Doolino

 

Dear Doolino,

To put things in context, I just took a part time job waiting tables at Goldbergs Fine Foods in Toco Hills. I was standing outside Cox Hall telling my friends about my job, and I think the loud construction made their B-school brains hear “Goldman (Sachs)” instead of “Goldbergs.” Now my friends keep asking me to help them network and write their cover letters. I’m an art history major. I don’t know anything about networking!

Sincerely,

Deli Deceiver

 

Dear Deli Deceiver,

I am impressed by the number of things that I have no particular taste for in your question. With the General Muir offering better pay and better food, I’m not sure why you settled for a lackluster job in Toco Hills. You’ll likely have to pay for transport to and from the shopping center. That was your first mistake.

On the other hand, it doesn’t seem like your “buddies” are good company either. If your friends only want you for career advice, I’m wondering if they even enjoy your presence. I would ditch the suits and find some art junkies like yourself. These people will share your interests and won’t monopolize your conversations with their mundane professional prospects.

One more thing: anyone who willingly hangs out near the construction needs to seriously reconsider their life decisions. Stay away from Asbury Circle, hopeless one.

Sincerely,

Doolino

 

Dear Doolino,

Last year, I started hooking up with Brad, this guy I met on Bumble who went abroad last semester. It was honestly just a dumb fling, but it was fun and I had no regrets. Then last semester, I met Ryan in my linguistics class. We‘ve been dating for about four months, but things have been kind of rocky with us ever since finals last month. So last weekend, I was planning to spend the night in, and Brad showed up at my door. We spent the whole night talking and kissed at the end of the night. I think I might really like him but I don’t know if I should abandon Ryan for Brad, especially since I’m unsure of his intentions. Now I know this predicament sounds super cliche, but the thing is, I just found out that Ryan and Brad live in the same suite at Clairmont. I don’t think either has caught on to the situation. How do I fix this?

Sincerely,

Restless in URC

 

Dear Restless in URC,

You are too far into this for any of my advice to prevent you from being burned when this situation falls apart. When they do find out that they’ve been seeing the same person, they likely won’t be jumping for joy. That being said, you might as well milk this as long as you can.

These love stories will likely not be the ones you’ll remember on your deathbed. Have fun with both of them until it’s absolutely not possible to carry on anymore. Then when you need to, you can break up with the one who carries less of your heart. There will always be an endless stream of mismatched love interests available through dating apps. When this thing goes up in flames, you can find refuge in one of Hinge, Bumble or even eHarmony.

And if the situation is too rich for your blood, just remember that the affection of two boys is always less valuable than three credit-hours. Emory’s course catalog is probably more attractive than a guy.

Sincerely,

Doolino