As the fall heat fades into a distant past and the fall semester comes to a close, the spirits of students wither away like autumn leaves as exams approach. Dwindling temperatures force the Southerners among us to seek shelter, school spirit disappears as the days get shorter and students spend their nights cramming at the library. None other than Doolino herself has tips for weathering out this winter.
Dear Doolino,
I’m in deep. 12 midterms. A 20-page research paper. Two weeks. The only Christmas song I want to hear right now is “Christmas Makes Me Cry” by Kacey Musgraves. Or better yet, “Midterms Make Me Cry,” self-reflective lyrics written by every student on this campus. Each class demands more attention than the last. Just when I think I’ll be able to sit down one night and crank out a study guide or two, five other busy-work assignments crop up and absorb all my time.
I’m not sure I can make it to the end of this week — this might be my Waterloo. On my way back home for Thanksgiving, I’ll probably have to be wheeled through Hartsfield-Jackson on a gurney because this midterm season has broken me.
Like all things in life, I know exams are fleeting. But what do I do to overcome this stress and make these exams fleet faster?
Sincerely,
Hobbling to Thanksgiving
Dear Hobbling,
This is the albatross around the neck of every college student. Every once in a while, you suddenly realize that the entire Emory institution is conspiring to compress you into as dense of a ball of stress as possible.
But rest assured, everyone feels like that. Wait. Now that I’m writing this, maybe that shouldn’t be so reassuring. Maybe this isn’t the best way to educate our nation’s young people. Ordinarily, I would’ve vomited up the typical self-care spiel. Try yoga, remember to get plenty of sleep and water, take a walk outside once in a while, blah blah blah. But now, I’m beginning to see that those are all temporary fixes. Why should we accept an educational system that pushes us so far that we have to rely on such flimsy de-stressing techniques? It’s the system that needs fixing, not you.
We already have plenty of office hours, coffee and flashcards. What we need is to revolutionize this corrupt school system! Students of the world, unite! So, Hobbling, cast aside the chains of midterm season. Instead of studying, start an ineffectual protest against studying itself. Even if it doesn’t result in any change, at the very least, it will feed your ego.
Go get ‘em tiger.
Doolino
Dear Doolino,
Florida man here, reporting live from the frozen North.
I’m freezing my giblets off out here! Holy honkers Doolino, it got down to below 50 degrees last week. Not once in all my sunny South Florida days have I seen such temperature tomfoolery.
Look, my dude, I ain’t one of these northern kids with their Patagonia jackets and Timberland boots. Winter, for me, means the daily five-minute tropical storms come to an end, I no longer get heat strokes when I leave my house and I can finally put on my sole hoodie. I mean, I never even owned a pair of pants before I came to this icy institution.
Have you got any tips for keeping a Floridian from frosting?
Looking forward to heading home and hitting the beach this winter,
Frosty Fred
Dear Fred,
As a reanimated corpse, I know a thing or two about beating the cold.
First off, invest in one of those puffy jackets that make you look like the Michelin Man. One of those will leave you looking fresh and keep you from losing your nips to frostbite.
Second, find a cuddle buddy. The oldest trick in the book for staying warm — taking advantage of someone else’s warmth. And you don’t have to get cuffed for this one. Nothing builds a brotherly bond like you and your fraternity brothers sharing a platonic embrace, huddling for warmth.
The third and most important way to keep warm — bust a move. Walking to class while freezing your face off? Try moonwalking to class instead (Just watch out for students). Walking to the DCT? Throw that derriere 360 degrees. Bussdown to Bowden. Wine all the way to White Hall. If you can’t feel your body warming up and emanating flames, then you aren’t feeling the music enough. 24 degrees Fahrenheit can’t keep you down if you keep stepping, moving and throwing that thing all over the place.
Dance dangerously,
Doolino
