Although we may still be a little overstuffed from all the stuffing, Emory students thankfully return to campus for one final round of complaining, classes and cataclysmic failure. Whether you’ve lost motivation, are dreading spending time with family or have resorted to starvation due to lack of meal swipes, don’t panic. Doolino is here to spread a little festive fun to your otherwise cheerless final three weeks. 

Dear Doolino, 

Every Thanksgiving I make the mistake of leaving a couple important belongings at home. Although I always tell myself that I need to make a list, I also forget to check it twice.  This year I left my watch, charger, motivation to finish the semester, shampoo, everything I learned this year and my favorite jacket!

How do I avoid making this same mistake year after year?

From,

Forgetful Frank

 

Dear Frank, 

I would start by yelling at your parents upon arriving home to go buy you a new watch, charger, shampoo and jackets. What are parents for if not serving as an unlimited ATM machine?

Motivation? Knowledge? Unnecessary. Thanksgiving is a time for relaxing and thanking your family for all they do to be able to pay your tuition. Of course, if they don’t buy the things you’re missing, then consider investing in new parents. I suppose you could try taking notes throughout the semester to make up for the lost knowledge though. I can’t help you much on the motivation department. That’s all up to you, buddy.

Good luck,

Doolino

 

Dear Doolino, 

Last week my mom and I made the silly mistake of deciding to spend Thanksgiving with my dad’s family. My dad spent the entire car ride to his mother’s home trying to stimulate small talk with me. He kept asking about what I do with my life, about some friends I haven’t spoken to since I was five years old and about what my job is like. I don’t even have a job, and he didn’t listen to any of my responses. It was complete wack.

Pretty sure this was to pretend he didn’t notice my mom giving him the silent treatment. 

Upon arrival, my parents strategically positioned me as a shield between my mom and my dad’s family. This meant all questions were directed at me. They asked about my grades, potential love interests, why my parents can’t seem to love each other and my future career goals. When I had stuffed my face with as much food as possible in order to avoid making eye contact and having to answer these detestable questions, my grandma graciously invited us back for Christmas. 

I don’t want to reject my grandmother’s invite, but I cannot spend another holiday like this. How do I avoid this situation for Christmas?

Sincerely, 

Worried Wendy

 

Dear Wendy,

On the ride there, pretend to take a nap. Breathe evenly, have a few muscle spasms and hit your head against the window every time your dad goes over the smallest hole on the road. Make sure to yawn a couple times before getting in the car for realism.

Be strategic about your Christmas meal. If possible, request your steak extra well-done with a side of the hottest hot sauce so that you literally can’t speak due to being too busy burning your mouth off. Chew slowly and deliberately to be excused from talking for as long as possible. Starve yourself the whole day until you arrive there to ensure you’re as hungry as possible. Enthusiastically request a second serving and then a third and then a fourth. Compliment anything and everything in your surroundings to make your family feel loved so they don’t notice how much you don’t want to be there.  You’ll please your relatives and be able to avoid having to open your mouth.

Best of luck,

Doolino

 

Dear Doolino, 

I only have five remaining meal swipes, but we still have 21 days left of school. Dooley Dollars? I have only 36 Dooley Cents. A semester of daily overpriced Kaldi’s morning coffee and late-night WoodREC munchies has depleted my meal plan. Now I am forced to starve because I was yelled at last week by a Dobbs Common Table worker for trying to take food back to my dorm. Apparently the excess amount of food that will end up in the trash can is not meant to be “to go.”

How do I last through the end of the semester without dropping every last pound?

Struggling,

Hungry Henry

 

Dear Henry, 

Starvation is a fine strategy. If Buddha did it to overcome pleasure, you can do it to overcome the pleasure of food. After a while you’ll be so hungry that you will forget your own hunger. You only have 21 days left anyways. You can retry at life next semester and learn to manage your meals a little more efficiently. 

I personally suggest continuing to raid the DCT despite the workers telling you not to, and maybe even raiding Kaldi’s if you aren’t able to give up your morning pick-me-up. 

Good luck,

Doolino