Summer hasn’t cooled off yet, but the partying and late-night Netflix binge-watching certainly have. As students return to campus, a new herd of freshmen take on the college schedule, summer flings come to an end and the stress of summer jobs and internships fade away. One thing is constant — Doolino will always be here to answer your questions and assist you with life-changing dilemmas.

Dear Doolino, 

While backpacking in Malaysia this summer, I fell in love with a local girl. We spent every waking moment together. She took me to her favorite spots in town and even started calling me Babycakes after the first day. It was the sweetest time of my life.

While I was having the best time with her, I ignored my Emory girlfriend entirely. I mentioned that I was having a wild time with this one girl and she threatened to break up with me. Is she crazy or what!? I’ve always cared deeply for her during the five months that we’ve been together, and just because I had a little fun during the summer, she wants to end it all?

I don’t understand what I did wrong — why does my fling seem to love me more than my girlfriend does?

Please help, 

Pulling Them Girls

 

Dear Pulling Them Girls, 

I don’t see much wrong with your behavior, my great sir. Sounds like you’ve gotten yourself in a pretty sweet situation — being friendless and alone is always ideal. I assume that you’ve realized that both these lovely women will dump your egocentric behind for not even considering their feelings. But hey, glad to hear that you had a delightful backpacking trip in Malaysia — that is, if you even remembered that you went to backpack and not just to smooch another woman.

Sincerely, 

Doolino

 

Dear Doolino,

I know that Emory students are known for being a bunch of nerds that tried too hard in high school. But let me tell you, I’m the whole package when it comes to academics and trying too hard. In high school, I was the president of Key Club, a member of the National Honors Society, the captain of the varsity cross country team and a volunteer at the local church every Sunday. I also had a 4.3 GPA and got all 5’s on a total of seven AP tests. Others seem to struggle with this activity called “studying,” but I don’t even pay attention in class — I guess I’m what they call a natural genius.

I’m not looking for any advice — I clearly know better than you. I just wanted to let you know that I’ll beat all other students. After all, I am the best. 

Sincerely, 

Pre-med Prodigy 

 

Dear Pre-med Prodigy, 

Yes, you clearly don’t need any advice at all. I thought the pre-med population couldn’t get any worse. Clearly I thought very wrong. I hope your seven AP classes and zero studying habits get you through Organic Chemistry. Though I have a feeling I’ll be hearing back from you soon — very soon.

Sincerely, 

Doolino

 

Dear Doolino, 

I scored a sweet summer internship working at my dad’s office, and I think I’m officially ready for the working world. I woke up at 10 a.m. every day and drove a solid 10 minutes to the office five times a week. It was such a sweet gig because I got to check social media all day long. Once in awhile, I even got my dad coffee. 

Man, whoever said the working world was tough and tiring was so wrong. I’m thinking of dropping out of college because I clearly don’t need further education to land a decent job. 

For some reason, though, my parents are very adamant about me staying in school. They think it will give me better opportunities in life or something. Clearly, I already have all the opportunities I need, and I’m going to work for my dad for the rest of my life, anyways. How do I tell my parents that the college life just isn’t for me anymore?

Sincerely, 

#WorkGrind

 

Dear #WorkGrind,

I understand your dilemma and also think that dropping out of college is a great option. Your single experience in the working world sounds like the gig everyone hopes for but never gets. Take advantage of what your dad gave you. Don’t even tell him that you’re dropping out. Just do it. Then show up to work, and tell him that he has to pay up for your coffee deliveries. Sounds like the dream situation for any parent.

See you later, 

Doolino