The sounds of fear fill the air as spooky season comes near. As my gorgeous physique begins to fill front yards along with other dead things, I am also summoned from my grave to answer your qualms. Whether it’s Halloween costumes, jalapeno homicide or Emory’s latest construction project, you’ve got the questions. Doolino’s got the answers.

Heyo Doolino,

I may or may not have hospitalized my roommate on accident. There I was, minding my own business, frying up eggs, bell peppers, chorizo and some jalapenos for a breakfast burrito when my roommate walked in. All of a sudden, tears were pouring out of his eye sockets like sprinklers. 

Homie was coughing so much it sounded like the Woodruff Library during flu season. Dude was hurting so bad he actually had to go to the hospital! Doctors diagnosed him with what WebMD now calls “Jalapeno Lung,” told him to keep at least 25 feet away from any restaurant that seasons their food and put him on a milk, mayonnaise and ham diet.

I feel terrible, Doolino, but I refuse to go without jalapenos in my breakfast burrito. What do I do?

Thanks,

Spicy Boi

Hey Spicy Boi,

Don’t beat yourself up. Anyone should feel free to cook their cuisine of choice without having to dumb it down for the poor of taste. Next time your roommate dares to enter the tortilla temple that is your kitchen, turn up the heat! Throw out the eggs — maximize your picante potential by frying straight jalapenos and habaneros in hot sauce. Eventually, you’ll either lose a roommate or their little baby taste buds will grow up and learn to love the heat.

Keep it spicy,

Doolino

Dearest Don Doolino,

What’s up with PC culture nowadays? Call me canceled, but you can’t insult entire groups of people anymore without someone getting offended. Halloween is just around the corner, but what am I even supposed to dress up as? Nowadays it feels like I can’t even dress up as a racist caricature of another culture that I know nothing about without someone holding me accountable! What am I supposed to do? Think about my actions and their consequences? Jeez. 

Thanks

Donnie Darko

Hi Donnie,

Lots of people who have never had their identities politicized feel just like you do. If you want to get back at the society that won’t let you dress like an insulting and insensitive caricature of a more marginalized group of people, you should consider dressing up as an insulting and insensitive caricature of yourself. 

If you’re from the B-school, you should check out the Atlanta Zoo’s reptile exhibit for costume ideas. Since it sounds like you might get a lot of your knowledge about the world from Facebook, maybe you could dress up as a baby boomer for Halloween. Try a Beatles T-shirt tucked into your high-waisted cargo shorts and open-toed sandals, all the while blaming your problems on younger, harder-working generations to complete the look.

Get yourself a reality check,

Doolino

Doolino Baby,

It’s been a long time coming, but the Campus Life Center/Emory Student Center/Dobbs Common Table is finally finished, and I couldn’t be happier. Dobbs Common Table is cool, but the new study spaces are my favorite. How impressive is it that after so many years of construction, we have this huge building where a whopping 10 students can work at the same time! I mean, there are a generous five or six tables in there! I’m so happy to finally have a space where I can spend half an hour walking around looking for somewhere to sit and quietly work before giving up and going to the library. 

What’s your favorite thing about Emory’s construction projects?

Thanks,

Appreciative Adam

Hey Adam,

Not gonna lie, I couldn’t be more excited about the latest project currently unfolding in between the CLC/ESC/DCT and the WoodPEC. In a historic win for field enthusiasts, specially trained contractors working inside the blue fence are converting that empty plot of concrete and dirt into an empty plot of concrete and dirt that looks nice. Using state-of-the-art grass-planting technology, cutting-edge bricklaying and your tuition dollars, the new Forum for Intelligent Emory Leadership and Design (FIELD) will revolutionize the way you walk to the WoodPEC. 

Expected completion date: August 2030.

Love,

Doolino

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