Dear Doolino,
My Marriage Pact match is a freak — help me find a man before Valentine’s Day!
Sincerely,
Dateless at the Altar
Dear Dateless at the Altar,
Christmas cheer and New Year’s Eve toasts have long since melted away with the short-lived snowfall, and the time has come for a holiday more festive — and brutal — than both Christmas and New Year’s combined. That’s right. It’s almost Valentine’s Day, and it appears that you are undeniably and inescapably screwed. However, don’t let your dismal romantic prospects sour your holiday. Even if your three-month situationship has just ended in tragedy and you have the aura equivalent of Emory University’s Goodrich C. White Hall on a good day, you can still partake in the spirit of the season. While I pride myself on being above all kinds of petty mortal nonsense, I must confess that your favorite skeleton has a soft spot in his rib cage for romance. If I had eyes instead of empty sockets made of bone, they would be filled with hearts and confetti.
Many people are still reeling after the results of the Emory Marriage Pact survey came out last week, and with this day of romance soon upon us, many partnerships and couplings could take the leap from algorithmic banter to official coupledom. I would have filled out the Marriage Pact myself, but unlike some of you wide-eyed first-years pining over your resident advisors, I do not believe in what the TikTok tropes of today refer to as “age-gap romances.” At hundreds of thousands of years old, I believe that pursuing a significantly younger beau could introduce an unhealthy power dynamic, and unlike some of Emory’s senior men, I am not attracted to those who are younger and more naive than I am (also, I am simply too far out of everyone’s league). While it seems like you, Dateless, have failed to spark a connection with your freak, some have succeeded. To these lucky few, I wish you the best of luck on this hallowed day. If you are looking for advice on how to seal the deal, I would suggest reminding your partner of the lie that you certainly told on the Marriage Pact quiz — that you are smarter than 99% of students at Emory. While reality may beg to differ, your supposed brilliance will dazzle your match too much for them to question it.
Unfortunately, the Marriage Pact is not infallible, and it seems as though you were one of the unlucky students whose match simply missed the mark. Do not despair — all hope is not lost. Maybe you matched with the human embodiment of a red flag (although for some of the more desperate students among us, this may not be a problem). Maybe someone tragically ghosted you after trying and failing to craft the perfect introductory message. Perhaps you actually did connect with your match, but your lack of flirting expertise combined with their unmatchable freakiness led to a fumble more tragic and painful than students missing their nightly Twisted Taco due to snow closures. Regardless of your circumstances, you still have time to locate, charm and secure the perfect mate. Hopefully, this will happen just in time for an Instagram hard launch that will make all of your single friends deliciously jealous.
It is possible that your match was not made in heaven — or, rather, in my case, hell — because he is a man. If you are still interested in pursuing a man despite your experience with the Marriage Pact, first of all, my condolences. If you insist on carrying out this endeavor, I will give you the advice you so desperately desire. My time on this wretched plane of existence has taught me that there are two types of men: Goizueta Business School students and everyone else. Your romantic approach will depend on which genre of man you wish to pursue. However, I must warn you — if you are looking for a man in finance, your efforts will have to involve a 401k, a human sacrifice and the betrayal of your dignity, morals and self-esteem. Ask yourself, dear reader, is he worth it? The answer depends entirely on your level of desperation.
Perhaps your match’s unfortunate levels of freakiness are a sign that you should try dating women instead. As a time-defying, genderless skeleton, I stand for equality — unfortunately, it is my duty to inform you that women are just as difficult to date as men, if not more so. However, if a woman at Emory catches your eye, there are still some foolproof methods that you can utilize to grab her attention. If you are in any way artistically inclined, then you may ensnare a woman through the fabulously romantic craft of music. If you see a woman that you are interested in, pick up a guitar and serenade her, wooing her with a time-honored classic such as Oasis’ “Wonderwall” (1995) or Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud” (2014). Personally, I have always preferred tunes that are more applicable to myself, such as Tiësto’s “Feel It In My Bones (feat.Tegan & Sara)” (2009), Kate Nash’s “Skeleton Song” (2007) and Johnnie Taylor’s “Love Bones” (1969).
Whether you are getting engaged to your soulmate this Valentine’s Day or simply hoping for some nervous, touch-starved finger-brushing, I wish you all the best. Remember, Emorians: Love is a wonderful and mysterious thing, but the one person you should always count on to love you is yourself. So be gentle with yourself, whether or not you have someone to be rough with you. If that was too vulgar, I apologize — I was recently forced to loom over “Dirty Rush,” and I fear I will never be the same again. Good luck, Dateless, and good luck to the many other would-be romantics. I wish you the truest and purest love around — a love strong enough to wash down the bad taste left by the campus’s contaminated water and replace it with the sweet feeling of contentment. Protect your hearts, dear Emorians, and always remember: Doolino knows best.
Can’t help falling in love,
Doolino
