Dear Doolino,
What do I do if I’m beefing with my professor? I’m afraid it will impact my grade for finals!
Sincerely,
Not Built for Beef
Dear Not Built for Beef,
Welcome to finals season, when temperatures are cold and the beef is piping hot. Hello again, Emory University students. The end of the semester is fast-approaching, and as final exams draw closer, some of the less academically and more socially inclined students among us are beginning to panic. You may have done something to anger your professor, my beefy friend, or perhaps they simply have it out for sniveling undergraduates who look like easy targets. Either way, if you want to preserve your grade point average (and your dignity), you must make haste. While assisting mere mortals with inconsequential brown-nosing is not at the top of my agenda, I will set aside time in my busy schedule to advise you on how to overcome your professor’s wretched mistreatment.
To start things off, Not Built for Beef, I would suggest forging some strategic alliances. Maybe your professor has a teaching assistant — it certainly would not hurt to befriend that overworked soul. Mention how you have always desired to be an underpaid and underappreciated subordinate who carries out the grunt work of someone older and more qualified in hope of one day becoming or surpassing them. All teaching assistants are sure to appreciate this apt and flattering description. Be sure to present it to them word for word — that’s the way to get results. If flattery is not your forte, however, you can always resort to blackmail. Stay after class one day and casually mention to your teaching assistant the fact that you noticed them purchasing liquor in Savi Provisions in Emory Village. It does not matter that they are of legal drinking age — everyone knows that teaching assistants are not allowed to have lives. After you unveil this shocking and scandalous information, they will certainly intervene and defend your character to your professor out of fear of consequences.
Sometimes, unfortunately, the best, and only, solution is to apologize. Take responsibility for the situation, even if you know deep down that this beef was not prepared ornor seasoned by your hands. Although it may be hard to take the blame for something that is not your fault, master the art of apologizing without actually apologizing. Take notes from the oafish, pigheaded Emory man that you are currently romantically entangled with and assuage your professor’s anger with meaningless platitudes such as “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and “at least I showed up.” You could also master the art of gaslighting by meeting your professor for office hours and questioning their demeaning behavior toward you. You could insist that you have been nothing short of a model student and only a week prior to this, the two of you were the best of friends — and not the type of friends that your romantic entanglement still insists that you are. If you are concerned with brushing up on your acting skills in order to commit to the best performance possible, consider consulting either a theater or business major for advice — both are excellent at the art of fabricating falsehoods to please the masses.
If apologizing is not quite your speed, consider going a different route by using dead-eyed, cold-blooded threats. Numerous Emory clubs and organizations would be happy to assist you in this matter. For instance, the Emory women’s volleyball team, which recently headed to the Elite Eight, is brimming with athletic energy and prowess. Simply pay them to follow you to your next class like a team of bodyguards, flexing their muscles and pulling up their knee pads to signify that they are prepared for battle. If your professor objects, mention offhandedly how excellent this team is at crushing balls. If your professor has any common sense, they will acquiesce to all of your requests and begin treating you with improved kindness and compassion, lest they be spiked and set across the classroom like an overgrown inflatable.
I know what you’re thinking, my dear admirer: Why am I not offering to visit your classroom myself? After all, there is no one quite as intimidating as I, with my penetrating gaze and sweeping cape. While it is true that faculty and students alike quake in my presence, I am much too sophisticated to lower myself to the status of someone’s brutish thug. However, I do know of another mascot — although that is a strong word — who may be willing to serve as a form of intimidation to your professor slash oppressor. Consider reaching out to Swoop, the mindless, flightless eagle that Emory athletes seem to hero worship. He will certainly say yes to your request, as he most definitely has nothing better to do.
Finals season is a stressful time, even for those with no beef to speak of. Do not forget to give both yourself and your professor some grace. No matter how fun that intimidation, condemnation and manipulation can be, before you begin to approach any of these rousing options, reach out to your professor and speak to them, tired academic to tired student. Who knows? Perhaps they are dealing with outside beef of their own, and once you two get to the meat of the matter, things may be resolved faster and more easily than you think. Although your first instinct as an Emory undergraduate student may be to rant about your professor on Fizz and Rate My Professors, rein in your impulses and give honest, solid communication a try. You might be surprised by the results. Good luck with your meaty endeavors, Not Built for Beef. I truly hope that your beef is tenderized. In the meantime, keep your head down and your grades up. Try not to fail your final, and always remember: Doolino knows best.
Doolino resides in Atlanta. | Doolino’s origins are yet to be discovered.
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