Dear Doolino,
I'm currently stuck in an elevator on campus. What is the best way to pass the time?
From,
Stuck Sally
Dear Stuck Sally,
What a surprise! Many elevators — and people — on this dreaded campus are simply incapable of carrying out basic, minor tasks. Be honest with me — is the faulty elevator in question located within a certain freshman dorm? I can only assume that you are a first-year student and do not yet know which elevators on campus to avoid, as anyone with a brain knows that Eleonore Raoul Hall’s modes of transportation are nearly always stationary.
You will learn eventually, my dear admirer, to not trust metal death traps blindly. Personally, these are the times when I am grateful that I am already dead because when the robot uprising inevitably occurs, machines everywhere are likely to wreak havoc upon the world of the living. Who knows — your isolated elevator incident could be a sign of more technological horrors to come. Luckily for me and my other afterlife friends, we are safe from all this nonsense. And, now that I think about it, you may be as well: There is no way to know what kind of deals Emory University is making with the artificial intelligence (AI) devils in The Center for AI Learning.
But there is no need to worry about any machine uprisings now, as worrying will not remove you from your suspension within the demonic metal shaft (which is definitely not located in Raoul … wink wink). Instead, I will provide you with a helpful list of activities to pass the time.
The first solution should be obvious: Do your homework. Although I am aware that it is a pastime of many Emory students to complain about the amount of work that they have, in all my hundreds of years, I have yet to see someone sit down and complete it. You may lose know-it-all points if you catch up on the work from all 30 credit hours you are enrolled in (cry, cry), but you will gain something much better once you escape from the elevator: free time. This might be a foreign concept to you, but finishing your homework gives you the freedom to go to sleep at an ordinary hour, touch grass and — prepare yourself — speak to other human beings outside your weekly Lost Dog Tavern trip. So, do that Quantitative Theory and Methods 100 coding assignment. Refresh yourself on how to use the Metropolitan Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority for your ECS 101 class. If you are a business major, fill out your coloring books and update your LinkedIn. Imagine your quality of life skyrocketing against others’, and you will have all the distraction you need to pass the time in the vessel of horror that is your frozen elevator. I am well-acquainted with vessels of horror — mine was a casket, but I have long since upgraded my living situation.
The next solution, Sally, is one that will fill the men in finance among us with glee — network. As Emory makes sure to remind its students, there is never a bad time to make connections even if you are completely and utterly alone. Try pressing different buttons on the elevator wall, mimicking typing in a phone number and making a call. Speak with confidence and precision as you make just the right amount of small talk to the air. This is the true elevator pitch. Shake hands with yourself, ensuring that you are always “web to web” and providing just the right amount of firmness, a tricky feat that few can master. If you have it with you, pull out your laptop and update your LinkedIn status, sharing that you have been stuck inside an elevator alone for an exorbitant number of hours. Future employers will observe this and admire your tenacity, remarking that a lesser human being would have gone insane from such circumstances (and you are asking me for advice, so clearly, you are far from being a lunatic).
But if waiting around for help is not your forte, there is a way to free yourself from the clutches of the elevator. As is clear to anyone who lays eyes upon my skeletal countenance, I am bestowed with powers beyond human comprehension. While I do not normally offer up favors to mortals such as yourself, I would be willing to make an exception — for a price. Prepare me an offering, Sally, one that is worthy of a distinguished and unending entity of misrule such as myself — I will let you out with the proper sacrifice. While you may not have many valuables on your person at the moment, I am sure that you can figure out a solution.
For example, rather than sacrificing a human or a goat, as is customary, you could sacrifice your dignity. Do you have your jacket with you? Simply dig through the pockets and find the scrap of paper containing the phone number of that frat boy that you met at the Georgia Institute of Technology on Halloweekend and, as you mortals like to phrase it, “call him up.” Witnessing such humiliation and desperation would fill me with much-needed glee, and I would be happy to provide my services to you and facilitate a timely removal, using my magical powers to transport you from the elevator to a relative haven: Raoul’s fourth floor, complete with the muggy scent of marijuana. Teleportation does tend to make one a little nauseous, but I am sure that it will not be as bad as the disgust you will feel when the frat boy that you have called asks you “where his hug is at.”
Maybe being stuck is a good thing, Sally. The painful slowness of the time ticking will demonstrate to you how I feel when conversing with you dreadfully simple souls every single day. If I can survive seemingly unending monotony, so can you. Or, perhaps not — most people are not as remarkable as I.
Regardless, push on, Sally. A future of relative freedom in which you roam blissfully free throughout your suburban bubble surely awaits you. If it makes you feel any better, the boredom that you feel is likely nothing compared to that of those slogging through their general education requirements, searching for a lively Friday night activity on campus or attempting to sit through an Emory athletic competition. It is always amusing to watch people try to exhibit “school spirit” at these events — I am the only school spirit haunting Emory’s hallowed grounds. I’ll be keeping an eye out for that sacrifice. Good luck, and never forget that Doolino knows best.
