Dear Doolino,
How do I get over a crush? I fell really hard for someone, and although they ended up being a total jerk, I can't get over it. Please help.
Sincerely,
Crushed
Dear Crushed,
Young love, am I right? As midterms continue to rage on and destroy the self-esteem of STEM and humanities majors alike, it seems that heartbreak has become an everyday occurrence at Emory University. While fall, the season of romance, has arrived, the harsh taste of reality has spoiled people’s sweet dreams of hot chocolate and pumpkin patch dates. As the leaves on the Quadrangle start to shrivel up and crumble into powder, so do many people’s hopes of a healthy, committed relationship. Perhaps your would-be beau led you on, leading you to believe in a future that would never come to fruition. Perhaps they rejected you because they are a pre-med student, delusional from hours upon hours of studying in the Woodruff Health Sciences Center Library. To quote Director Ken Kwapis’s iconic 2009 cinematic masterpiece, it is possible that your crush is “just not that into you.”
I would say that I am above such petty mortal matters, but I fear that you have swayed my calcified shell of a heart. Although this confession is surely shocking to hear due to my suave and romantic aura, rest assured that you are not alone in your dilemma. Believe it or not, my dear admirer, I, too, understand how it feels to undergo the horrors of a romantic rejection. It’s scarier than Eagle Row on Oct. 31 — a terrifying image, seeing as it’s hard to beat the horrific debacle that is first-years discovering “Halloweekend” for the first time. My experience with a crush gone awry took place, of course, before I exited the dreary world of mortality and committed myself to an afterlife of fabulous advice and elegant poses, but the point still stands. The pain of rejection is a pain quite unlike any other, and no visit to Student Health Services can cure the inner turmoil cartwheeling inside of you. Heartbreak is a cruel and ever-shifting mistress, but with the proper measures, she can be silenced (apologies for the sexist imagery. I was recently forced to attend HackATL, a gathering in which approximately two women were present, and I fear that the aggressive faux masculinity and lack of deodorant have rubbed off on me).
Your first step to healing from this ordeal, Crushed, is to show this bumbling Neanderthal what they are missing in rejecting you. Consider astounding Emory students everywhere by accomplishing an unheard-of feat: getting more than six hours of sleep in one night. Not only will getting proper rest quell the chaos of your emotional storms, but your ex-crush will surely also drool with exhausted enmity, jealous of your ability to take care of yourself and behave like a functional human being. You may even acquire some new romantic options, as being properly rested will allow you to walk at a brisk pace instead of trudging slowly to your morning lab as if you, like me, have joined the world of the dead. People are sure to be drawn to your self-assured manner and join a growing community of admirers. You could also walk silently throughout the Michael C. Carlos Museum, stopping to nod at paintings as if you truly understand the artist’s intention. Conversely, you could point at the phalluses of the marble statues in the Matheson Reading Room and laugh loudly, remarking that you have seen better. This clear display of maturity and sophisticated intellectualism will skyrocket your confidence, allowing you to promptly move on from your crush.
It might help you to remember that both you and your misguided crush are, in fact, only human. Many unsavory people are living among us, dear reader: murderers, criminals and sometimes, as you so eloquently put it, jerks. Everyone makes mistakes, and although it might be painfully easy to dehumanize your crush, it is important to remember that your crush may well be going through a struggle of their own, leading to their “jerk”-like behavior. While this is not an excuse, it is an explanation, just as a sedentary lifestyle spent updating LinkedIn statuses explains Emory students’ poor coordination and inability to form a line at the recent Student Programming Council concert. Pain, while gut-wrenching, is impermanent, and the heartbreak that you are feeling will not last forever. Just repeat my motto:
“Students may come and students may go,
Professors may come and professors may go,
Crushes may come and crushes may go,
But Doolino goes on forever.”
This student haunting your every step, Crushed, will soon go, and another will come. If it provides any consolation, Thanksgiving break is quickly approaching, and everyone knows that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It is possible that you will head home for the break and that swaths of people will realize their feelings for you, providing you with a plethora of romantic options upon your return — some may even best the examples set by the statues in the reading room. If anything, you will miss my skeletal presence and grow ever fonder of me, returning with a variety of goodies and offerings. This may not assuage your heartbreak, but it would provide me with a tasty treat, and when it all comes down to it, isn’t that what matters most? Keep going, Crushed. If you have the sense to come to me for advice, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. You’ll find the right person eventually, as long as you remember: Doolino knows best.
Doolino resides in Atlanta. | Doolino’s origins are yet to be discovered.
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