Dear Doolino,
I have this friend with whom I have recently started spending more time. I think I am falling for him, and I want to be more than friends. Even though everyone around us can see the chemistry, I know he is just that nice and acts this way with everyone. What should I do? Ignore it until it goes away? Confront it even though I know he doesn’t feel the same way about me? Help me, Doolino!
From, Sam Simp
Dear Sam Simp,
Greetings from beyond the grave. I’ve been on a three-year hiatus from the Wheel due to sheer frustration with the Opinion section’s coverage of political issues I don’t care about. Who even is Biden, anyway? However, this situation was so dire that I figured it was time to swallow my pride, emerge from my eternal rest and impart some wisdom. Honestly, I am shocked that we have not had more frantic submissions about complicated friends-to-lovers situations until now — communication skills are not Emory students’ strong suits. Unrequited love is a fate worse than being a skeleton perpetually imprisoned by the 24th-best university. First of all, Sally, I apologize on behalf of all Emory students. Everyone goes through the odd in-between of friendship — it’s the nature of being at Emory, surrounded by socially inept people in a hellish place (trust me, I know hell when I see it).
Weigh the importance of this pseudo-friendship: Is it even worth it? Confide in your friends (hopefully, you have some — other than me, of course). As a skeleton, I sometimes struggle to remember the qualms of being mortal. I’ve had thousands of years to get over my lost friendships, after all. So I’m going to refer you to “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” and “He’s Just Not That Into You,” a couple of cheesy rom-coms that perfectly illustrate your problem. Those can show you exactly what a quirky protagonist would do when presented with potential love. Take charge, Simp! Don’t let your feelings marinate too long, or you may wind up in an Earth-shatteringly traumatic failed friends-to-lovers arc. Say goodbye to the possibility of friendship after that!
You seem confident that this person does not feel the same way about you. I feel you, buddy. Shocking, isn’t it, that an immortal skeleton-spirit has also been emotionally curb-stomped by unrequited love? Back when I was a living, breathing sack of skin, I was head over heels for someone who flirted with everything that moved — and everyone knew. However, do not let yourself be put down by others telling you that this boy doesn’t feel the same way. Carpe diem! Seize the day, for non-Latin-speaking imbeciles. Embarrassment or disappointment are easier to live with than regrets; trust me, seriously. Though I am just bones now, I have a heart bouncing around in my chest cavity too.
Obviously, don’t spring this on your friend while you’re eating E. coli-contaminated pig slop with all your friends in Cox Hall. Opt for a moment when it’s just the two of you, maybe while toiling in the Robert W. Woodruff Library or doing anxiety laps around Lullwater’s lake. If he meets your admission with the classic “I thought we were just friends” line, send him my way, and I’ll teach him a lesson on incessant flirting. Being flirty, though fun, leads people on and ruins friendships. I’d advise him, and anyone else out there who finds it cute to mindlessly flirt around, to be considerate, lest you risk having an audience with me.
Above all else, do not suit your actions to his comfort — or anyone’s, for that matter! If you still want to get this off your chest, I advise you to do so, and remember: Doolino knows best, so this is excellent advice. Next time, I hope to answer something more entertaining, so bring it on, Emory students. I’ll be waiting.
Doolino resides in Atlanta, GA. | Doolino’s origins are yet to be discovered.
