1. Tebow
I have recently uncovered some breaking news that will devastate fans of the SEC Network: Tim Tebow is returning to the National Football League as a member of the Philadelphia Eagles.
I know, I know, this news comes as a shock to many of you. How could our most beloved sports announcer leave us in the lurch like this?
Tebow was the voice of the Southeastern Conference. His voice was the voice of God. Quite literally. After all, we all know that Tebow has a special connection to the big man upstairs.
It was truly inspiring to watch a man do something that he is so clearly meant to do.
Tim Tebow belongs in the announcer’s booth. He was born to describe a football game.
But, unfortunately, this great gift has been taken away from the world. Instead of listening to Tebow talk about football, we are going to have to watch him play it.
And that, loyal readers, is not a pretty sight.
Sure, the guy was good in college, winning a Heisman Trophy and a National Championship. And he invented Tebow-ing, otherwise known as kneeling and touching ones hand to ones head in order to thank God for ones football-announcing abilities.
But, to put it quite simply, Tebow did not have what it takes to make it in the NFL. We saw this when he played with the Broncos. After Denver selected him in the first round, he finished the 2011 season with the lowest pass completion rating in the league.
We saw this when he played with the Jets. The Broncos traded him to New York in March 2012, and over the course of the next year, he managed to throw only eight passes for his new team.
We saw this when he played with the Patriots. New England signed Tebow in June of 2013 and played him in its first two preseason games before cutting him.
But the Patriots did Tebow the biggest favor that they could possibly have done him, for they freed him to live the life that he had been placed on this Earth to live: that of a broadcaster to a minor subsidiary of ESPN.
ESPN hired him in December of 2013, and he made his live debut during the BCS National Championship Game.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
Until that history was brutally cut short when Tebow signed with the Eagles yesterday.
I can say with confidence, however, that Tebow’s return to the NFL will be brief.
Rest assured, loyal readers, that he will be back in the broadcaster’s booth before you know it, once again as the voice of the SEC.
2. Baseball and Beer
As the Sports Genie, I do not condone of drinking in any way, shape or form. Unless it is at a Chicago Cubs baseball game and there is a foul ball in your cup.
Let me explain. At a Cubs game Saturday afternoon, a female fan (whom I would have described as pretty if I had not recently been informed that it is sexist to use attractiveness as a primary identifier for women) caught a foul ball in her beer cup. She then proceeded to chug the beer. Bottoms up!
She is my type of girl. Obviously, because I am an enlightened, progressive man, I do not care at all about whether or not she is good looking. She may be, but that is unimportant.
Here is what is important: 1) she chose to spend her Saturday afternoon watching baseball; 2) she likes beer (once again, I do not condone drinking in any way, shape or form); 3) she obviously has great hand-eye coordination, as evidenced by her ability to catch a baseball in her beer cup.
Cubs girl, if you read this, please find my email address at the bottom of this article. And if you want to know what I look like, look at the picture of the giant face in the middle of this article. I think we have a future together.
Interestingly enough, a male Cubs fan caught a ball in his beer cup the very next day and also chugged the beer. I am less interested in meeting him.
3. Fights
The Kansas City Royals and Oakland Athletics got into a bit of an incident over the weekend.
The details are unimportant. Or, to be completely honest, they are complicated and I cannot remember them very specifically from SportsCenter this morning.
Someone slid a little too hard into second base. Someone else intentionally hit a batter with a pitch, got ejected, and then pointed at his head as he was walking off the field in an obviously threatening gesture.
The story ends with the benches of the Royals and A’s clearing three nights in a row, and over five players getting ejected.
Is this baseball at its best, or baseball at its worst? It is tough to say. Yes, it is great to see the intensity and the passion. But baseball is also a civilized game for gentlemen. Simmer down, boys.
