I am thrilled to welcome you all back to the second edition of #blessed. Last week, I jokingly offered to answer any questions that you guys emailed in … and to my surprise, you emailed in questions! Y’all are the best. If you’ve got any sports-or-general-life-musings questions, shoot me a line at hashtagblessedemory@gmail.com and I’ll probably answer you in the next week’s column. Let’s dive in.
Q: Do you think that the jeans-with-running-shoes look is dorky or sporty?
One hundred percent dorky. No exceptions. There is literally no one in the world that can pull off this look without looking like a 47-year-old youth soccer coach.“But Ryan, I am a talented and a pressed-for-time student-athlete,” you say. “I don’t have time to change my shoes in the middle of the day before practice!”
Sucks to suck. Just wear your athletic gear to class; you’ll look much better and can subtly remind everyone that you play a sport and are cooler than them. If I were a Division I athlete, I would never take off my practice gear.
“OH, HEY GUYS. DID YOU NOTICE I AM A VARSITY FOOTBALL PLAYER? YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE OF THE JACKET I AM CURRENTLY WEARING. I HAVE NOT TAKEN IT OFF SINCE 2008.”
“But Ryan,” you say, “I love the mix of comfort and formality that jeans-and-sneakers gives me!”
Are you Steve Carell in “Crazy Stupid Love”? I am your Ryan Gosling. Drop the sneakers off your proverbial second floor of the mall and pick up a real pair of shoes.
“But Ryan, I am a 47-year-old youth soccer coach!”
Okay, sure. Whatever.
Q: Did you hear that Michael Phelps is getting married? Pretty exciting, eh?
I admit that I had no idea. A quick Google search for “Michael Phelps marriage” reveals that he got engaged to former Miss California Nicole Johnson last month. Congrats, Michael and Nicole!It also reveals that the couple announced their engagement via Instagram photos of the happy pair cuddling in the snow, and I now have so many questions. Who took the picture of Michael and Nicole cuddling in the snow? Did they just ask their non-famous friend to snap some pics while they rolled all over each other? More importantly, why snow? Snow is one of the least satisfying venues in which to cuddle. As national celebrities, I expected better cuddle expertise out of Michael and Nicole.
Therefore …
PLACES TO CUDDLE YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER, RANKED:
1. A roof
2. Hot tub
3. Your roommate’s bed
4. Your bed
5. The back of a taxi
6. In the grass
7. The floor (carpeted)
8. At the movies
9. In the snow
10. The floor (uncarpeted)
11. Just standin’ around in public
23796. At the beach
This is your yearly PSA that beach-cuddling is terrible and only results in uncomfortable amounts of heat and sweat and sand in places that you do not want sand. Keep that in mind, formal-goers.
Q: What distinguishes a “lax bro” from your typical, run-of-the-mill bro? Is it just lax, or is there more?
This is a great question! As it goes with other labels, people like to put on themselves — hipsters, gentlemen, etc.— you can’t be a lax bro if you’re actively trying to be a lax bro. Acting like a bro and taking up lacrosse does not make a lax bro. It’s a mindset that you achieve somewhere down the line through years of devotion to the craft, and when you get there, you don’t even realize it.I speak from observation and not experience, because lacrosse is a genuinely terrible sport.
#shoutouts: foam rollers, a potential Hawks-Warriors NBA final, sunscreen, Ezra Koenig’s verse on “Down 4 So Long” and Jenna Kingsley.
