On Tuesday, On Fire revealed part one of the “All Time Sports Movie Oscars.” This list generated tremendous controversy in social media, with the Twitterverse and blogosphere erupting in discussion over who was slighted and who was the biggest surprise pick.
Settle down everyone, settle down. That was just part one. Without further ado, we will now release part two.
- Best Sports as an Agent for Social Change Movie: “Remember the Titans”
This is a film about how sports can enable us to overcome the differences that divide us. Sunshine, Rev, Superman, Petey, Coach Boone, Coach Yoast ... Football allowed them to transcend the barriers that centuries of racial strife had erected. It tells an important story in our history, one that we all should know. We can all take a lesson from the Titans.
But this movie shines in ways beyond mere social commentary. At its heart, it is a story about a great football season. How strong is Gary Bertier? Too strong! Left side! Strong side! Left side! What kind of power does Julius Power? Soul power!
Plus — Denzel. Nothing more needs to be said.
- Best Hair in a Sports Movie: Tie Between White Goodman in “Dodgeball” and Ricky Vaughn in “Major League”
“Feathered and lethal. You just don’t see it nowdays.” So said the legendary Pepper Brooks, giving us the perfect description of the wonderful flow that is Goodman’s hair. The owner of Globo-Gym has the hair of a champion. But Vaughn has the hair of a bad boy. Jagged, pointy and intense. You do not want to mess with Vaughn.
- Best Sex Scene in a Sports Movie: “Jerry Maguire”
Tom Cruise. Renée Zellweger. Damn. Those are two beautiful people. And they go at it. With class. With grace. With style.
An honorable mention goes to “Caddyshack.”
- Best Announcers in a Sports Movie: Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight in “Dodgeball”
We know what our readers must be thinking: in the words of Pepper Brooks, “I feel shocked.” Aren’t those just two idiots who said lots of dumb things? No. These two gentlemen set a whole new standard for sports broadcasting. The insight, the wit, the humor, the perspective, the history lessons ... They do it all. Yes, they make jokes. But as Pepper said when learning that Average Joes would be forfeiting the match, “It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off.” (Spoiler alert: It does.) When Peter LaFleur blindfolds himself, who would know what to think if Pepper had not said, “He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.” The answer is no one. Pepper and Cotton, we salute you.
- Best Sports Movie Featuring an Animal with Incredible Jumping Abilities: “Air Bud”
That dog sure knows how to jump high. I mean, really, really high. But that owner sure was mean.
- Best Sports Movie Set in West Texas: “The Rookie”
When your
On Fire correspondent was younger, he (or she) thought that if a movie were ever to be made about his (or her) life, Dennis Quaid would star in it. The jury is still out on whether or not this will be the case. The jury is not out, however, on “The Rookie’s” place in the pantheon of sports movies set it West Texas — it sits firmly at the top of the heap. This because it is such an educational movie.
Who knew, for instance, that if you wanted to stop deer from eating up your newly seeded baseball field, you should put human hair all over it? Who knew that sometimes the speed detectors on the side of the road do not work? Who knew that Quaid was so handsome?
Actually, anyone who saw “The Flight of the Phoenix” could have told you that last one.
- Sports Movie Most Likely to Cause a Religious Conversion: “Angels in the Outfield”
This one kind of speaks for itself.
- Sports Movie Most Likely to Make You Carve Your Own Baseball Bat by Hand: “The Natural”
He made the bat out of a tree that had been struck out of a bolt of lightning. That is pretty dope.
- Sports Movie Most Likely to Make You Try to Breathe With Your Eyelids: “Bull Durham”
Because, in the words of Annie Savoy, “A guy will listen to anything if he thinks its foreplay.”
- Sports Movie Title That Best Expresses a Universal Truth: “White Man Can’t Jump”
So true.
