It’s Valentine’s Day, and your On Fire correspondent would like to present our loyal readers with a list of his (or her) secret valentines in the world of sports. These are the hottest of the hot. They are on fire.
Swaggyable mention: Nick Young
This 29-year old LA Laker is already taken by Iggy Azalea, but your On Fire correspondent warns that he might have too much swag for you guys and ladies to handle. When leaving with “Fancy” herself he said, “What I’m gonna do with this shouldn’t be legal.” Don’t fear Lakers fans, Swaggy always knows best when separating business and pleasure; his uncharacteristically tattooless right arm is “strictly for buckets.”
6. Rachael Cummins
Puns about her name aside, this is one badass chick. She is a mixed martial artist, specializing in Muay Thai and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, known as “BJJ.” But your On Fire correspondent postulates that if you take away the last “J,” [censored]. Don’t call her a fox though. Not only would you be risking having your ass kicked by a girl, but her nickname is “the Panther.” Wrong animal family, guy.
5. Andrew McCutchen
So Cutch got married back in September and is off the market. But that hasn’t stopped your On Fire correspondent from leaving anonymous notes and Tootsie Pops in his locker. And readers, can you really blame your On Fire correspondent? Have you seen this guy’s hair? Best. Dreads. Ever. And that body. Does the “P” in MVP stand for something other than player?
4. Danica Patrick
Okay, so Nascar isn’t a sport. But it’s not as far from one as those League of Legends tournaments (yes, Major League Gaming is a thing now), and your On Fire correspondent has a thing for country girls. Okay, she’s from Wisconsin, but it doesn’t get more red neck than NASCAR, and your On Fire correspondent means that as a compliment. Yes, this is coming from the same On Fire correspondent who registered 60 domain names on Go Daddy just to “see what happens next.” Danica is the kind of girl you take fishing and it turns into camping out under the stars in your truck bed. And maybe, if you’re lucky, she’ll let you take her V8 for a spin.
3. Tom Brady
As much as your On Fire correspondent would like to leave this asshole off the list, his (or her) first loyalty is to his (or her) readers. As mentioned in a previous edition of On Fire, Brady is an UGG model. If that’s not sexy, your On Fire correspondent doesn’t known what is. Imagine Brady’s luscious locks, in whatever experimental, but beautiful style he is rocking at the moment, falling over his face as he slides a pair of furry UGG boots on your feet. Yeah, that was actually a deleted scene in the soon to be released “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
2. Skylar Diggins
Sky, as your On Fire correspondent likes to call her, plays in the WNBA. Sure, it’s not the fastest-paced sport, and the NBA is way more entertaining. But it’s worth watching the Tulsa Shock just for this babe, who Drake creeped on via Twitter. Unlike many of her basketball counterparts, Sky isn’t too tall. She’s a modest 5’9” with a body like that blue chick in Avatar. And it doesn’t get sexier than that! Your On Fire correspondent will save you the suspense. No, it doesn’t. Plus she got mad hops. And your On Fire correspondent loves a good IPA.
1. Tony Parker
Okay, Tony isn’t all that good looking in and of himself. He’s maybe a five, an eight if you live in the Emory bubble and are at Mags on a Thursday. It’s not mere looks that make TP the recipient of your On Fire correspondent’s admiration. Your On Fire correspondent said that nothing is sexier than the blue Avatar chick’s body, but there is a male equivalent: Maverick from the 1986 classic movie to live by “Top Gun.” Why is Maverick so sexy? He breaks the rules. Well, TP was hitched to Eva Longiria in 2007, and in 2011, they got divorced because he and his French accent had been sleeping around. Before you grab your pitchforks, your On Fire correspondent is not advocating infidelity. But if you look in the book of life, the number one rule reads “Do not cheat on Eva Longiria.” TP gives zero shits. And for that, he is the hottest athlete in the world.
