Your On Fire correspondent is furious about the situation over at Cox.
The fact of the matter is, as an incredibly active, athletic and handsome young man (or woman) in the prime of his (or her) life, your On Fire correspondent is pretty hungry.
Freshman year was pretty rough. It is quite simply impossible to get enough calories from the cardboard that they serve you at the DUC to last throughout the day.
Now, your correspondent can only write from his (or her) experience. Rumor has it that the DUC has changed, that is has gotten a little bit better.
But we at On Fire have to call BS on that one. That fact of the matter is, people's standards have gotten worse.
"Yeah, it was pretty gross," an anonymous source from the Editorials section said. "I lived in one of the newer dorms right by the DUC, and it was torture to know that it was so convenient for me to eat there and at the same time such an unpleasant experience. That was my struggle."
What a struggle. We at On Fire sympathize with our anonymous source from Editorials.
However, it should be noted that the DUC workers are, without exception, wonderful.
Pasta John was a ray of light in the life of your correspondent's freshman year. Bobbi, of course, is a wonderful lady.
"That guy who wears the chef's hat and looks like the singer from the Flaming Lips is pretty cool," our anonymous source added.
But that was just a struggle for freshman year. Sophomore year came, and your hungry On Fire correspondent began to eat at Cox.
What a brave new world! In Cox, your wide-eyed correspondent found a world full of deli sandwiches, Chick-Fil-a and sushi.
"I think the sushi is shit," a poorly-dressed anonymous source (who is also an editor in our least favorite section of the paper) said. "It is just not good. Why do they not have people making sushi fresh? They are just lazy, I do not know why. How good would it be to have nice a sushi place on campus? It is just sad."
Despite being incredibly pretentious, our anonymous source raises some good points.
But Cox finally hit its stride last year. That is when DBA Barbecue came onto the scene.
Your restless On Fire correspondent had spent the fall of 2013 in Vienna, but when he (or she) came back, DBA was waiting for him (or her). Your correspondent was not the only one to enjoy DBA.
"DBA opened my eyes to the wonders of brisket," the Sports Genie said. "Succulent, tender, juicy, fatty ... Their brisket was a work of art."
Last spring was a wonderful time in your correspondent's life. He (or she) ate brisket for lunch every day, and loved every second of it.
Then they took it away.
This place has taken away everything that your On Fire correspondent, who is a simple man (or woman), loves. But it is one thing for the great powers oppressing me to take away the visual arts department, and it is one thing that they will not let your correspondent use Oxford commas in these pages.
But how could they take away DBA?
In DBA's place stands Pasta John's, which is run by the much beloved former DUC pasta master.
"I love Pasta John's," Managing Editor Lizzie Howell said. "I really like the meatballs and cheese ravioli. But today I was really tired, so I accidentally ordered sausage instead of meatballs and it was disappointing."
Okay, so that is one person's opinion. But they are wrong. How can we at On Fire be sure of this? We are so sure because we, as a section, have the highest average SAT score of any section at the Wheel. And that means we are the smartest section and therefore always right.
So, to be completely honest, we do not actually know the SAT scores of anyone on the Wheel, except for one anonymous sports editor with great hair who got a perfect score on the writing section.
But it is well known that anyone who is smart always talks about their SAT scores after they get into college, so these seemed like a relevant subject to bring up.
And, if anyone is curious, they can find the SAT score of Executive Editor Sonam Vashi on her LinkedIn page.
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