On Fire - 4/11/14

We at On Fire have decided to create a definitive ranking of all 50 states, based completely on objective criteria that On Fire itself has determined. We will accept no questions, comments or feedback on this list.

1. Colorado: The Rocky Mountains, Denver, Boulder and legal marijuana. What more could you want?

2. Pennsylvania: Philadelphia, freedom and cheese steaks. Plus it gave us Zak Hudak's hair and bone structure.

3. Washington: Okay, the rain sucks. But coffee shops, mountains, the ocean, legal marijuana and "Twilight!"

4. Rhode Island: Mad respect for Rhode Island and its struggle to survive in a world with so many larger states. Pluto is no longer a planet, but Rhode Island is still fighting the good fight.

5. Massachusetts: It is so small that it has a city, a beach and literally nothing else.

6. Utah: It looks like the jigsaw piece that you were missing, and it fits perfectly into the West. Plus, Mormons are just so quirky, and we love a good musical.

7. Minnesota: Minneapolis is the top biking city in the country, and Minnesotans are nice as hell.

8. Louisiana: Crayfish boils, po'boys, Mardi Gras, beignets, jazz – this is what heaven is like.

9. North Dakota: The good Dakota.

10. Texas: Barbecue, Austin and the Wild West. Plus, there is no state income tax.

11. Oregon: The state is really cool, but the people suck. We get it, you guys are hip. Shut up.

12. California: It has five cities with professional baseball teams, which is really impressive. And some really tall trees.

13. Georgia: The southern state with the most soul. And Stone Mountain is kind of cool.

14. Connecticut: A poor man's Massachusetts.

15. Vermont: Maple syrup is fun, but it loses points for being so close to Canada, which sucks.

16. Arkansas: Mainly because Bill Clinton is from there. Although we suspect that Bill and Hillary Clinton are secretly the same person. Think about it, have you ever seen them together at the same time?

17. Hawaii: Surf's up, bro!

18. Michigan: It's the only state with two separate parts, but it has Detroit. You cannot win them all.

19. New York: Okay, you have the City, but what else? Upstate New York is Canada. And as Vermont taught us, Canada sucks.

20. Ohio: The blandest state in the country.

21. Virginia: Mad respect for Thomas Jefferson.

22. North Carolina: Just because we love college basketball.

23. Wyoming: Yellowstone.

24. Kansas: Impressively flat.

25. Indiana: A perfectly middle state. We have literally zero thoughts about Indiana.

26. Wisconsin: Same.

27. Delaware: Because George Washington has to cross something.

28. Illinois: Because we like Sufjan Stevens.

29. Oklahoma: The musical.

30. Tennessee: Because you are the only ten we see.

31. New Mexico: Yeah, it is just a barren wasteland. But they own it.

32. Alabama: In a word, bleak.

33. Mississippi: Tough to spell.

34. Alaska: A Cold War impulse-buy.

35. Idaho: It has a chimney.

36. Iowa: Corn.

37. Nebraska: Corn.

38. Kentucky: It looks prickly.

39. Maine: Canada sucks.

40. Maryland: Baltimore, really?

41. Missouri: They had a nice compromise.

42. Montana: Bleak.

43. Nevada: Desert.

44. South Carolina: Secession.

45. New Hampshire:

46. Florida: Dustin Slade.

47. West Virginia: Coal mines, incest and moonshine. And only one of those is even marginally good.

48. New Jersey: This does not even have to be explained.

49. South Dakota: With the great state of North Dakota so near, why would you even try? Mount Rushmore sucks. We should be on Mount Rushmore.

50. Arizona: When the apocalypse comes, the world will look something like Arizona – vast expanses of sand, coyotes and giant pigs wandering around and random giant holes in the ground. But they pretend like their state is so awesome – come on guys, at least own how much you suck.

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