Loyal readers of the Wheel may very well recall a column that graced these fair pages in the fall of 2012, a wonderfully written piece entitled, "What the Olympics are Really About."
The author of this piece, the then-Asst. Sports Editor Bennett Ostdiek, addressed it to his good friend from high school, Karsten Lutz, whom his friends affectionately referred to as Bambi.
Karsten rows crew, frats with Kappa Sigma and studies some sort of engineering at a small West Coast school called Stanford University.
Karsten has the perfect body type for a rower – at six feet five inches, he has a long, lean frame ideally suited to propelling a boat through the water.
Bennett's dearest dream is for him to row for Team USA in the Olympics.
Unfortunately, Karsten's dearest dream is to be a frat star and study just hard enough to get a good job upon graduation.
In his column, Bennett explained how he has tried every argument with him. He appealed to his sense of patriotism. No dice. He brought up the sweet Team USA swag that all Olympians get. Nothing doing.
He described to him a future in which he could begin stories by saying, "when I was in the Olympics..." Even this brilliant rhetorical tactic made no headway.
But then he found his argument – the sea of beautiful, passionate, incredibly athletic women looking to let off a little steam after their events that is the Olympic Village.
Bennett has not filed a column as of yet on whether this line of reasoning brought Karsten to his senses. But we can surely imagine that it provided at least a little bit of motivation.
After all, we surely all remember the stories from the giant orgy that was the Olympic Village in London in 2012, which businessinsider.com (it is clear to none of us here at On Fire what business businessinsider.com had reporting on sex in the Olympic Village, but it is our policy to never question our sources) has described as a "massive sex party."
Not to suggest by association that any of the following ladies either did or did not participate in the "massive sex party," but the beauty of many of the Olympians is enough to set many a man's (or woman's) heart racing.
Your On Fire correspondent personally will never forget the sight of Alex Morgan playing soccer or the beautiful Dutch field hockey team (seriously, why else would anyone ever watch field hockey?).
Folks, we at On Fire am here with good news. The 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi are not going to be any different.
According to The Washington Times, "Olympic officials are taking precautions for the rampant sex that will undoubtedly take place at the Winter Olympics by distributing 100,000 condoms to athletes."
All of us here at On Fire wholeheartedly applaud this decision. The IOC's bold decision to distribute an average of over 13 condoms per athlete gives these great men and women a high bar to reach – and all of us here at On Fire are very confident that they will reach this bar.
And loyal readers, do not forget that these 13 condoms are per athlete – if they are having sex with each other, that means that if all the condoms are to be used up, each athlete will need to have sex 26 times during the two weeks of the Olympics.
We here at On Fire wish them the best of luck.
Of course, it is possible that athletes might use some of these columns while having sex with non-athletes.
If there is any man or woman out there who manages to have sex with a member of the Dutch field hockey team while using one of their Olympic condoms, the On Fire internship will automatically be yours – all other applications will be thrown out (yes, we already have one application!).
(For those of you who have not heard, if you are interested in hard-hitting journalism, incisive social commentary and potentially mingling with celebrities, please apply for the On Fire internship by sending in a resume, cover letter and the number of Dooley Dollars you have to bostdie@emory.edu).
If two of you manage to perform this epic feat – well, your On Fire correspondent could always use two interns.
Of course, the Olympics are about so much more than sex. And so is the On Fire internship. That is just one of many things the two have in common. Apply today.
