1. Which National Title Contender is Right for You?
There are, sadly, only a few weeks left in the college football regular season.
Your On Fire correspondent was kind enough to break down the remaining national title contenders, the chances they have of taking home the title and which one fits you, dear reader, the best.
#1 – Alabama
The Crimson Tide are trying to suck all unpredictability out of the most unpredictable sport there is by taking home their third straight national title. At this point, anyone not raised in Alabama who possesses a soul is cheering for the Tide to lose and for someone else to get a chance at the spotlight.
You're an Alabama fan if ... Two possible theories apply here: Theory A: You are a born-and-raised Southern gentleman who wears bucket hats daily and named their firstborn daughter "Bear." You have "Roll Tide" tattooed on an inappropriate place of your body, and you show it to strangers. "SEC" is not a conference, but a religion.
Theory B: You are a no-good frontrunner who validates him or herself by pretending to like good teams. Your favorite teams include the Miami Heat, New York Yankees (wait no, Boston Red Sox) and whichever one Peyton Manning is on. "Bandwagon" is not a means of transportation, but a religion. You ... just kind of suck.
#2 – Florida State
The Seminoles are looking to return to glory behind dynamic freshman quarterback Jameis Winston, who is currently the frontrunner for the Heisman. They have shed their label as perennial underachievers and are considered by many to be the favorite to take home the championship.
You're a Florida State fan if ... you grew up a Florida State fan but were either too smart or too dumb to get in to the university, so you attended college elsewhere. During the preseason, you go around verbally fellating Christian Ponder and E.J. Manuel to your friends who don't care about college football. Your most prized possession is an FSU jersey from a national championship played long before you were born. You wear Jameis Winston underwear, have tweeted "FLORIDA STATE BACK #Noles" after every one of their wins this season and will cry for a week when they blow their dream season against Florida.
#3 – Ohio State
The Buckeyes have won some unholy number of games in a row, but thanks to NCAA sanctions last season and the excellence of the teams in front of them, they might miss out on the title game despite going undefeated for the second season in a row. Head Coach Urban Meyer is doing anything he possibly can to prevent this from happening, from running up the score to eleventy billion against the poor, unsuspecting teams of the Big Ten (Eleven? Twelve?) or complaining to the media.
You're an Ohio State fan if ... you are not a human. As everyone is well aware, no human beings actually live in Ohio, but the state is densely populated by weird patches of dirt, grass and concrete that every Saturday magically don Buckeye jerseys and say things like "Urban 4ever," "Muck Fichigan" and "What even is a Baylor."
#4 – Baylor
The Bears have been this season's Cinderella story, rising from the cellar of the Big 12 (Eleven? Ten??) and winning their first nine games via offense and offense and offense and offense and offense and more offense and a running back whose name is pronounced "Lake."
You're a Baylor fan if ... You're not. Baylor doesn't have fans. Their stadium, until recent weeks, has been covered by a tarp to hide the fact that it is usually less than half full (your On Fire correspondent promises he did not make that up. Google it). The people who do attend Baylor games are just random Texans who drunkenly stumbled through the turnstiles. No one watches Baylor games, they just check their phones to see how much they killed their opponent by this Saturday.
