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Thursday, Nov. 28, 2024
The Emory Wheel

On Fire 11/1/13

1. A Really Long List

The Atlantic recently came out with a list of the top 50 innovations since the invention of the wheel. In honor of this, and in the interest of the continued Buzzfeed-ization of American journalism, here is On Fire's "Top 50 Cool Things That Have Happened Since the Invention of The Emory Wheel."

1. Kanye

2. Kimye

3. North West

4. Twitter

5. Facebook

6. The Internet

7. Blogs

8. Memes

9. Societal Meme-ification

10. ESPN

11. Warren Sapp

12. Michael Jordan (Baseball)

13. BTK Killer

14. Emory becomes good school

15. Emory becomes less good

16. Rise of the SEC

17. ~Passion Pit~

18. Apple Computers

19. CDOs

20. ETFs

21. Coca-Cola

22. iMessage

23. Pepsi

24. Microsoft

25. Affirmative Action

26. BBM

27. No More BBM

28. BBM Again?

29. The Spoke

30. Jared the Subway guy

31. R. Kelly

32. Dunkin' Donuts

33. Clorox Bleach

34. Selfies

35. Google Chrome

36. The VMAs

37. Jolly Ranchers

38. Color Printing

39. Nuclear Bomb

40. Tablet Computers

41. Britney Spears

42. Cocaine being cool

43. America being the best

44. China almost being the best

45. Mozilla Firefox

46. ~Millenials~

47. Swine Flu

48. Civil Rights

49. Spotify

50. Bullying

2. This Is Halloween

Point of discussion: how did Tim Burton figure out which weird and frightening creatures would be featured in "The Nightmare Before Christmas?"

Think about it. The movie's famous song "This Is Halloween" includes several descriptions of strange beings, including "the one hiding under your bed," who has pointy teeth and red eyes, a strange man hiding under your bed who has snakes for fingers and spiders in his hair and a "clown with a tear-away face." Not to mention that the movie's antagonist is a large, walking bag of insects. Hell, its protagonist is a freakin' skeleton. That sings.

Conspicuously absent is any sort of ghost, witch, zombie, sexy nurse or any another Halloween mainstay. What was Tim Burton thinking? More accurately, why in the world was this a children's movie?

Rant over. For the record, your On Fire correspondent has yet to figure out any sort of Halloween costume, so leave a comment if you have any ideas.

3. This Is Still Halloween

This sports season has had some truly scary instances. Case in point: The Red Sox, secretly a team of bearded axe murderers, winning the world series. Nick Saban revealing himself as a brutal, emotionless robot bent on terminating the human race, and Baylor being good at football.

4. ON FIRE HAS BEEN HIJACKED

Hello. Sometimes I wish there was a cricket team in America that was taken seriously :(. I also like to play golf, and my friends always criticize me for being bourgeoise, but it's not my fault I like to drink mimosas and play golf with my daddy. He calls me daddy's caddy. I hope no one reads about this because I do believe in Marxism but sometimes ideology and pragmatism have no intersection, though I wish it did. But then I guess I should move somewhere else, perhaps a place where there is a cricket team and Socialist policies. But I digress. Anyways, golf is nice. I like to hit balls really hard.