1. We at On Fire Are Stupid
Case in point: your current On Fire correspondent only made it through about one and a half seasons of "Breaking Bad" before Sunday's finale.
He/she/it watched the finale anyway, and it was beautiful.
2. We at On Fire Are Masochistic
Case in point: your former On Fire correspondent – who would be writing this column if he/she/it were not overseas – is a diehard Houston Astros fan. The Astros just finished the 2013 season with a record of 51-111, including a 15-game losing streak to end the year, good for a .315 winning percentage. You, your two best friends, the seven dwarfs and Cookie Monster could play 162 games against professional baseball teams and would probably win more than 31.5 percent of them. The Astros have been this bad for approximately five million years now, and many have taken the liberty of branding them the worst team ever.
You current On Fire correspondent, however, presents a counterpoint: his University of South Florida Bulls. In the college football world, USF serves as the Astros to Alabama and Oregon's New York Yankees (On Fire has been informed that the Yankees did not make the playoffs this season. There are no playoffs to make in college football, so the metaphor stands).
The Bulls are 0-4 this season and have not even been close to being close to winning a game. In these four contests, the Bulls' offense has scored 41 points. Opposing defenses – defenses – have scored 44 points against them. If the USF football team played in a bizarro alternate reality where opposing offenses could never come onto the field, they would still not win a game. Even the Astros have yet to discover a way to score runs on themselves, and for that, USF takes home the title of Worst Team Ever.
Yet your On Fire correspondents continue to support the aforementioned teams because we probably have deep, unresolved commitment issues.
3. Inside USC
On the subject of bad things, USC Head Coach Lane Kiffin was fired last weekend. Kiffin earned the special honor of being so incredibly poor at coaching football that the university decided it would be better to cut ties with him midseason, essentially forfeiting the rest of 2013, than to spend eight more games with him as coach.
He also gained the honor of getting absolutely torn to shreds by USC beat writer Scott Wolf, who goes by the Twitter handle @InsideUSC. It appears that Kiffin may have killed Wolf's puppy as a child, because as soon as the news went public the latter sent out a non-stop string of about 500 tweets absolutely slaughtering the coach from every angle possible, some more ridiculous than others. Examples:
"I haven't come across a #USC player yet who is sorry over Lane Kiffin news"
"If you want specifics, Lane Kiffin was fired right outside Landmark Aviation terminal at LAX #USC"
"A party last year at Lane Kiffin's house in Manhattan Beach backfired when players found opulent nature of house a turn off #USC"
Nine hours later, Wolf is still sending tweets. Calm down, Scott. All dogs go to heaven.
4. Playoffception
In case you thought the world made sense, tonight the Texas Rangers will be playing the Tampa Bay Rays in a playoff for the right to be in a playoff to decide who goes to the playoffs. Major League Baseball is a Christopher Nolan movie.
5. How does On Fire feel about the use of "Swoop's Week" versus "Homecoming"?
It's a sensitive subject.
6. Goldfish Ranked
1. The snack
2. The fish
3. The fish as a snack
