1. Apparently Catfish Beats Bird
Chris "Birdman" Anderson, the guy whose neck is engulfed in purple tattoo flames, because, well, he's a seven-footer who can play D and dunk, has emerged unscathed from an investigation by a Colorado Internet Crimes Against Children unit. Despite his inky efforts, the Birdman has not been proven to be an actual monster. Instead, Birdman was ensnared by a Canadian catfish that puts Manti Te'o's catfish to shame.
It all started pretty normally. Girl contacts professional athlete, girl shows off the goods, professional athlete likes what he sees, professional athlete reciprocates. Then, girl visits professional athlete, mutual gratification takes place and the two parties part ways. After sexy time, girl feels threatened by Birdman, girl not as old as she claimed, girl requests financial remuneration, professional athlete balks, girl reports Birdman to the coppers. Coppers bring in the Internet Crimes Against Children unit.
Open and shut case of athlete thinking with his dong, having a tryst with a teen, and then teen retaliating against said athlete? Nope! Get this: the same period of time that he was engaging with this woman from California, there's this woman in Canada who stole the Birdman's identity. Email access, phone and bank records access, you name it. This Canadian chick assumes the Birdman identity and makes demands of the California woman. Poor California woman feels threatened and goes to authorities.
Not only do the Birdman's attorneys allege the same Canadian woman posed as the California woman's mother and tried to exhort Birdman, but this Canadian catfish, posing as the Birdman somehow orchestrated the relationship between Birdman and the California girl.
To summarize, this Canadian lady set the Birdman up, under his identity, and then went on to make the California woman feel threatened while also trying to exhort the Birdman.
One wonders what the hell the actual Birdman was doing throughout all this? The guy got duped pretty bad. Ladies do drop out of the sky and into the laps of pro athletes like seriously errday, but how is this relationship being orchestrated by a third party without at least the Birdman's awareness? Fake-Birdman hittin' up the chick, then real-Birdman steps in to seal the deal. Doesn't that usually require some coordination to pull off?
Goddamn. Besides reinforcing the age-old adage that Canadians cannot be trusted, what's just as important is responsible digital stewardship of one's own shit. As always, people tryna stick you for your paper.
2. RIP Absentee Baseball Owner
Hiroshi Yamauchi is dead at 85. Who you ask? He was the retired chairman of Nintendo. Without this guy, you wouldn't have those fond memories of Kirby kicking an opponent on Smash, firing turtle shell missiles at karts speeding ahead or satisfyingly pulling the golden gun trigger and connecting. Less importantly, he also owned the Seattle Mariners since 1992.
For all his video game contributions, the dude never saw the Mariners play live! Okay, he might not be down for that cross-ocean flight from Japan. But the Marines played some exhibition games in March 2012, and the guy didn't bother traveling from Kyoto to Tokyo to check out his squad. Unless he was busy testing out Nintendo games? Nobody likes the all-up-in-the-franchise's-face ownership of someone like Jerry Jones, but being the anti-Jerry Jones ain't no good either.
3. Trent Traded
The first reaction everyone (read: fantasy owners) had when the Browns traded Trent Richardson to the Colts: sick, he's going to an actually competent team. The second reaction: wait, the Browns O-line might actually be better ... Third reaction: Nah, better means better team stats. Fourth reaction: Wait, did the Browns actually just trade their third overall pick from last year? Fifth reaction: Wait, that means this guy was picked right after Andrew Luck and RGIII. Final reaction: the Browns suck.
4. A Fate Worse Than Death
Gutting tradition or gutting a catfish?
